Episode #2: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

Welcome to episode 2 of The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis! I love writing these episodes and I can't wait to share more!

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I had made a list. I was good at making lists. I liked making lists. That and planners, which is why I ended up accidentally with two planners this year and couldn’t decide which layout I liked better.

But I’m interrupting myself. My list.

This was a list of things I wanted to do to reclaim my joy. After all, the last year had been full of dark days, darker nights, and fighting to keep my head above water, so to speak. I was ready to get back to enjoying life.

I took a deep breath and looked at my closet, then I forced myself to set aside the list on the pretty sheets of stationery. It was one thing to make a list, but it was another thing to do it. I planned to start with what I had put at the top of the list.

I dug into the deepest recesses of my closet and pulled out the candle-making kit I had been given at Christmas a year ago. I had been so excited to get this kit from Jessie. Making candles had been a dream. Lavender and vanilla scent oils had been included. These would smell amazing.

I swallowed as I pulled out each item, memories assaulting me of the day I had called my friend, Jessie, because I was going to use it. I had planned on making a candle for myself and one for her. I would ship it to her the very next day.

The phone had gone quiet.

“Pam, we need to talk. I was hoping we wouldn’t have to have this discussion…”

What had followed was an hour-long trade of the ways I had failed Jessie. I had hurt her without realizing it and she had kept it to herself. She was angry and nothing I said, none of my apologies made it any better.

“I don’t think I can do this,” I whispered the words as tears pricked my eyes. This kit had been given to me by a friend who wasn’t in my life anymore. Maybe I should give this kit to someone at church or the thrift store.

My eyes were absently roving the room and they landed on my new notebook. I reached for it and opened to the first page. I had already listed some of God’s mercies. I ran my hand over the words already printed.

Thank you for Your mercy in making me Your child

Today, I saw God’s mercy reflected in a stranger, who was so understanding when we accidentally sold a book we were supposed to be holding for them. They could have so easily been angry.

Mercy: My family loving me on my bad days.

Clearly, I hadn’t come up with a consistent way to record the mercies of God I saw around me. I looked back at the candle-making kit. An odd sensation built inside of me, one that over the months of trying to make things right for Jessie hadn’t often inspired in me.

I was angry.

I was angry a person I called a friend had pushed me out of her life because she had chosen not to forgive me. I was angry that even now, she was poisoning something I wanted and loved because her memory tainted it.

Because you are letting it.

The truth slammed into me. I often felt as if God whispered into my heart but this felt like it was shouted into my mind.

The tears stopped.

I was done. I was done letting Jessie steal from me. I would always miss her. I would always pray that somehow, some way, our friendship would be restored. Last year, she had taken hours of my time as I tried to do everything she asked of me to restore our relationship. I had prayed and spent hours before God, asking Him to help me be a better friend. And it hadn’t worked. She had left, leaving me devastated.

But I was done letting her take from me. I would make these candles and I would try to enjoy it. I would gain back my hope

I read the instructions with the kit. I went into the kitchen, passing where my parents were both busy on their computers and two of my siblings were on the couch talking about their jobs.

I went into the kitchen and started a pot of water. I poured the whole one-pound bag of wax into the metal pitcher. I followed the directions carefully. I let the wax melt, cool down just a touch and added the lavender and vanilla scent. It smelled heavenly.

I realized I hadn’t prepped the containers so I rushed to put the wicks in place and then poured the wax into the glass

I stepped back. I had made candles. I smiled and stared at the wax, slowly cooling.

A tear slid down my cheek and brushed it away. This time, it was from relief. I had used the kit and made something beautiful.  I marched into my room and added the words to the mercies journal.

Even things that start with pain can be redeemed by God’s mercy.

I took a deep breath and I felt like it was the first full breath I had taken in ages. I couldn’t wait to see what God had in store next.