Episode #4: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

I had the house to myself. While an introverted person and an adult, I truly enjoyed living with my parents and siblings. A lot of people didn’t understand why. They didn’t understand my joy in spending my daily life with people I loved. But I had given up on people understanding me. Jessie had made it clear that I didn’t have the skills to make myself understood.

To drown out the pain from the last year. I turned on a movie and pulled out the bag of things I had picked up at the grocery store. Everything I needed to make my own chai tea. I dropped the cinnamon sticks, cardamom pods, and black tea into the water.

I sang along to my favorite catchy song while I chopped a couple of slices of ginger. peppercorns and cloves went into the mix. As I left the mixture to heat, I prepared everything to make it into a latté. Maybe I could mix a little of that lavender syrup that my mom gave me for Christmas.

Was I a bit lavender-obsessed? Perhaps. However, I blame my mother entirely. I hated traveling as a child, but we had to for my parents’ business. They sold homeschooling curriculum. My mom found that if she scented everything at home with lavender and also did that when we traveled, I slept better. So, I became an early addict of the scent and then it moved into other aspects of life like my tea.

My phone buzzed and I looked at the text. A v formed on my forehead. Crystal? I hadn’t heard from her in a while. Her family used to be on the homeschooling circuit too and she, Jessie, and I had done a couple of things together.

Hi Pam! It’s been a long time since I’ve talked to you but I had to reach out. You're friends with Jessie Hays, right?

I swallowed and set my phone down. How was I supposed to answer that? Jessie had told me we wouldn’t have further communication and we weren’t friends so I couldn’t say that we were. Yet, I still cared about Jessie and didn’t want to say she wasn’t my friend.

I swallowed as I looked at the lavender syrup in my hand. Part of me still hoped that maybe, one day, we would be reconciled. Maybe I was stupid for thinking so. Maybe Jessie had been right when she said I wasn’t a good friend. Or maybe she was complexly wrong and she was the bad friend. Or maybe…

I shook my head. I was so tired of puzzling thoughts. I had prayed. I had done my best. I had tried to honor Jessie and God in how I acted. And I would do that now. I would tell the truth, but in a way that respected Jessie’s wishes.

Hi Crystal! It’s good to hear from you. I know Jessie.

I turned off the pot of tea and poured it into a mug using a strainer. I added a spoonful of maple syrup, milk, and a touch of lavender. Then, my phone dinged again.

I don’t know I you, but Jessie’s dad had a heart attack last week. We’ve started a fundraiser. I’m sending you the link.

On a happier note, I’ll be in town next week and was hoping we could meet up.

I stared at my phone unable to move. Jessie’s dad had a heart attack? Oh no! I blinked and moved my finger across the screen and went to open my text thread with Jessie. The absence at the top of my list brought the reality home again. She wasn’t part of my life.

Tears sprung to my eyes. I dropped into a chair and put my stinging eyes into my hands. “How long will it hurt like this, God?”

I wanted to be there for Jessie, but I knew I couldn’t be. I wanted to make things better for her but I couldn’t. That door had closed. Hadn’t it.

I switched to my phone app and hit my most frequented contact.

“Pam?”

“Hi mom,” I hated that my voice creaked.

“What’s wrong sweetheart?”

I swallowed and gathered my thoughts about me. “I just found out Jessie’s dad had a heart attack. I want to be there for her but… Mom, what if this is my fault?”

“The heart attack?”

“No,” I choked out. “That our friendship collapsed.”

My mother snorted. “Let’s go over this again. Remember her calling and telling you things were messy. Why was that?”

“Because I said something stupid that hurt her.” It was true, but I knew it wasn’t the answer my mother was looking for.

“Almost a year before. She had let it fester. She hadn’t brought it to you.”

“Why couldn’t I have been a better friend? She needed me and I let her down.” The tears spilled again. I had needed her too.

“She chose to let bitterness between you. Remember her response to your birthday gift?”

I nodded. I had bought her something she had told me she wanted but she had been disappointed that I had just bought something she had talked about instead of being original. And then I realized I had nodded to my mother who was on the phone.

“Remember how she refused apology for anything but required repeated apologies from you?”

“Yeah,” I choked out. I remembered all the hurtful words spoken to me I had tried to let go. “But I hurt her mom.”

“We all have to forgive things.”

I reached over for my mug and took a sip. I nearly spit it out.

And I laughed.

“What is it?” Mom asked.

I continued to laugh. “I don’t think making chai tea is going to become my thing. This tea is way too strong and too… I don’t know but it’s awful

My mother joined in my laughter. “Pam, I know things were hard, but you’re going to get through this and make new friends.”

I looked at my mug. I would rather drink this stuff every day than try to make new friends. Bad tea I could handle, losing another friend? I didn’t think my heart would ever recover.