Episode #23: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

May was ending and June was beginning. I was so grateful for all the work at the store. With summer coming, we had a lot going on. Our summer reading events for kids were gearing up. We had two homeschool groups that would be using our shop as a place for their kid’s summer book clubs. We were having twice a week children’s events as well as special displays for teens and adult summer reading.

The work kept me busy and distracted for which I was thankful. When I went home at night, both my sisters wanted to tell me about how hard it was to come home without Dad. Ben wanted to tell me about the latest text from Dad.

I still felt so numb. I finished arranging the teen shelf and knew it was time I clocked out for the day. It had been a short shift today, but they couldn’t afford overtime every week. I waved at Lacie and headed out the door. I knew I should go straight home, but I had no commitments. I made my way to the park.

As I pulled up, I looked out at the creek that went through the middle of the park and I took a deep breath. I should eat my lunch and enjoy a stroll before I returned home.

Take a day to fast and pray.

I pushed away the thought from my list. I wasn’t sure I would do anything from the list or write in my mercies notebook again. I just didn’t think I could do it.

What could it hurt?

I looked toward my lunch bag and pushed open my door. I grabbed my water bottle and purse and headed down toward the path that led along the creek. I probably wouldn’t actually take the day to fast and pray, but I might delay my lunch a little bit and pray. Maybe God would give me some peace about what had been going on.

 

The sun was setting. I knew I had walked a long way and had been sitting in this spot among the trees for a long time. I had texted my family to tell them I had decided to take some time to pray by myself.

Hunger gnawed at me.

“God,” I whispered. “I don’t understand. Are you going to take everything from me? If my parents’ marriage falls apart, I don’t think I will ever be whole again, not if it happens right now.”

I had said different variations of this several times. It was odd. I hadn’t fasted from food very often in my life on purpose. I always thought it was for other people who were more spiritual to do. Besides, I didn’t do well if I didn’t eat. Yet, as I looked toward the colors in the sky, I realized that was exactly the point. Every time I felt hunger, felt myself in need of food, I turned to God.

I stood and started walking back the way I had come. I needed to try to make it back to the car before it got to dark. I felt weak. I was so hungry. I was desperate.

“Don’t You care that all this is shattering me?” I said in desperation. “All of this is crushing the life out of me!”

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

I had memorized those verses so long ago. And they return to me. Tears sprang to my eyes. “How long will I be hard-pressed, Father? If you take my family…”

I stopped and looked toward the sunset. Would I trust God even if it meant He took what I longed for? Yes, it would shatter my heart, but could I trust Him with my pieces? I wanted to give a quick yes to that question, but I couldn’t I kept walking.

I’m so hungry

What if God doesn’t give me the outcome I want?

Why can’t I just trust Him? Because I know trusting Him means surrendering what I want and leaving it in God’s care.

My thoughts raced. I picked up my pace, wishing I could outrun the thoughts.

I tripped and I caught myself against a tree. I looked upward toward the sky and then dropped my gaze. I came face to face with the ugly truth. I wanted to trust God, but I didn’t think He wanted my good – or my parent's good - as much as I wanted it. I walked and I thought through times in my life when I had trusted things to God. How many times I had ended up with better, more wonderful plans. There were some times I had trusted God with something and realized that he had never given it back.

Can you trust Me now?

I again looked to the sky, the sun just a sliver on the horizon.

My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and I had never felt so much like I was in a battle. Fear, truth, and hope warred in my soul. I took another breath and looked toward the sky. What choice did I have? I couldn’t make my parents have a happy marriage. I couldn’t make Jessie come back. I couldn’t make someone love me. I couldn’t make my sibling happy. I couldn’t even gain hope and joy on my own, not the real, deep kind.

I paused. Looking around me to make sure I was alone, I dropped to my knees.

“Father, I’m acknowledging the truth that You are in control no matter what. But would you please help me?” Teare squeezed out of my closed eyes. “And if You choose to take anything like my parents…” I took a breath and slowly formed the words. “I will trust You. If You shatter me, I am shattered. And You are the only one who could even begin to put together the pieces.”

I stood. I was exhausted, but somehow, I felt a battle had been won. I took a deep breath and moved rapidly down the path. This day would be going in my mercy notebook.

 

A much-needed surrendering of my future to God