The Sarah’s Journey Series had been a favorite in my early teens. I curled up on the couch with a mug of tea and dove into Home on Stony Creek. I was preparing to enjoy my day off.

As I enjoyed the setting of the early days of the American Revolution and Sarah’s journey to the wilds of Kentucky, I sipped at my tea and enjoyed the cozy feeling.

“We are going shopping? Do you want to come with us?”

I looked up at Meg and Ivy. They were all ready to go and by the looks on their faces, I knew they expected me to say no. I opened my mouth to do just that and then I stopped myself. Wasn’t spending some quality time with my sister one of the things on my list? The three of us used to do so much together but the last year, with my job and hurts, I had pulled out.

I could hear Ben and Asa in the other room, playing a game of Risk, a favorite Saturday pastime for our brothers.

I stood. I had withdrawn and I wouldn’t keep doing that. “I would love to come with you. That is…” I looked between them. “If you want me. I know I haven’t been the best company.”

“Of course we want you!” Meg rushed to give me a hug.

Ivy didn’t look as eager but she nodded her head.

I put my book down. “I’ll be ready in a few moments.”

I rushed into my room and changed clothes, made sure to reapply deodorant, and grabbed my purse. I was about to rush out the door when I saw my list of things to do. I glanced at the page that held things I wanted to do with my siblings.

Take my sisters to that fancy ice cream place we’ve wanted to try.

I nodded. That would be the one I would do with them. It would be fun, spontaneous, and enjoyable despite the cold.

I took a deep breath and offered a prayer that I would be a blessing to my sisters.

“I can’t believe how good this is,” Meg said between bites of her vanilla ice cream loaded with candy bits.

Ivy nodded as she licked away at her blueberry cheesecake ice cream in the fresh-made waffle cone.

I smile as I scoop up another bite of cookies and cream from my dish. “It really is good.”

“We should come here more often,” Meg said. “Make it a regular girls thing.”

I smiled at my enthusiastic sister but said nothing. I enjoyed doing this for them. I loved the ice cream, but it wasn’t cheap. I didn’t think any of us would be coming here for a while.

“I just wish we could have more fun.” Meg set down her spoon. “Since Dad and Mom announced they were going into counseling, everyone has been mopping and acting like we are waiting for someone to die.”

“Can we not talk about this?” Ivy shifted in her seat and her eyes darted around.

“Why? Why can’t we ever talk about what’s going on? Is there something I don’t know?” Meg asked.

“I’m just tired of talking about sad things.” Ivy swallowed and stared at her ice cream like she suddenly didn’t want it. “Can’t we just have fun?”

Meg sighed. “Why does everything have to be about what you want. Just because you’re the youngest doesn’t make life about you.”

As the oldest, I felt I should probably say or do something, but I wasn’t sure what I should say or do. Somehow, I felt like if I had been reading my Bible like I should, I would at least have an idea of what I should say.

Tears slipped down Ivy’s face. “That’s not true. I just am tired of all the sad stuff.”

I took a deep breath, knowing I had to intervene.

“It can be hard when everything has been so heavy not to want to keep things light. Meg, maybe you and I can talk about things when we get home.”

Meg crossed her arms. “Why is everyone avoiding this.”

“Maybe because we are all afraid of what this means for our family if Mom and Dad don’t work things out.” I blurted.

Ivy set her one down on the table and covered her eyes with her hands.

Great, I had made this into a worse mess. “Ivy, I’m sorry. I…”

“Are they going to divorce?”

“Of course not.”

“I don’t think so.” My answer overlapped Meg's. I moved toward Ivy. “I’m really sorry things are so rough right now. We can try to make things happy for the rest of the day.”

Ivy huffed. “All you do is mop around and think about how you’ve been hurt. Why do you suddenly care?” She dashed off toward the bathroom.

Tears sprung to my eyes. I felt like I had been stabbed. Here I had been trying to give my sisters a good time and I had caused them more pain. Is that all I was capable of these days? Feeling pain and causing it?

No, I needed to also remember what Joan had said. I needed to combat these lies and remind myself of God’s truth. We were all hurting. It had been a hard year for all of us. I had just drifted away further because of everything with Jessie.

“I’m sorry. I just thought it might help if we talked.” Meg had her arms crossed and leaned back in her chair. She looked for all the world like a sulking toddler.

I took a deep breath. “I think you’re right, but Ivy wanted this to be a fun day.”

“She always wants things to be fun and happy! She never wants to talk about hard things. And please don’t remind me she is only seventeen. I’m tired of that line.”

I shook my head. I wasn’t going to tell you that. I was going to suggest you and I have a long talk about things and hopefully, Ivy will…

“I’m sorry.” Ivy’s choked whisper brought both of us to look at her. “I just…” her tears spilled over again. “I heard someone say Dad and Mom would probably be divorced by summer and it… I don’t want to think about it.”

I reached out a hand to her. “None of us want to think about that. I don’t think our parents even consider that a possibility okay?”

“Then why are they in counseling every week and acting mad with each other?” Ivy asked, wiping her eyes.

I pressed my lips together, trying to decide how much to say. I knew more than I wanted to know. “Dad…did some stuff in the past Mom just found out about.”

Ivy rolled her eyes. “I’m not a baby. I know about the pornography.”

I swallowed. I wished we lived in a world where neither I nor any of my siblings had to know those sorts of things existed. “I wasn’t thinking you were a baby. I just wasn’t sure everyone had been told. Anyway, they have a lot to work through.”

“Do you think they will stay married?”

Both my sisters looked at me like I was their lifeline. I took a bite of my ice cream and then nodded slowly. “I think they will. But we can’t expect them to be happy and back to normal in a few weeks. It is going to take time.”

Both of them looked like I had given them hope. I reached and took each of their hands, grateful for the connection and closeness I shared with them.

“We’ll get through this together.”

They smiled and looked at each other.

“Now, let’s eat our ice cream and then go get some stuffed animals or something else fun.

As I sat on my bed, I pulled out my Mercies notebook.

Mercies this week:

Ice cream with my sisters

The ability to cry together

My new stuffed Red Panda, Lucy

God’s gift of sisters

Crystal and I had texted every day. She had asked a couple of questions about what had happened with Jessie. When I told her I didn’t think I should share anymore to keep from gossiping, she respected it. As it was, I was worried I had shared too much. If Jessie returned to my life, would I regret what I had shared?

As I looked over the bookstore, I didn’t think I would ever regret breaking down in front of Crystal. It had been healing and had encouraged my heart. I smiled at the homeschool group sprawled over our couches and chairs near the tea area, many of them with beverages I had prepared, going over Little Women. I continued to cut apart the Valentine-themed bookmarks.

I should reread that one at some point. Right now, I was rereading The Happy Hollisters at Sea Gull Beach. It had been my favorite as a child. I had worn out a copy. Perhaps because there was a girl named Pam, but I also loved the treasure-hunting aspect.

Jared stepped into my field of vision, carrying a box of teas. I reached for it but he pulled it away. “Would you please make some suitably soothing tea for Lacie? She’s dealing with morning sickness, but won’t stop working.” He sighed as he glanced toward the backroom. “That woman is so stubborn.”

I smothered a smile and nodded. “I’d be happy to make her some tea.”

Jared nodded and moved toward the tea counter and then turned back. “Please don’t tell her I asked you to do it.”

I nodded and moved with him. I kept out of the way with his restocking while I took a teabag with lavender and mint and dropped it into one of the mugs. I poured steaming water over it and walked back toward the back room.

Lacie stood amid some signage advertising our book club program and our upcoming calendar. She looked exhausted and kept pausing and putting a hand to her mouth. Not a good sign.

“I brought you something.” I held out the mug.

She crossed her arms and stared at the mug like I might be giving her something lethal. “Jared told you I was falling apart, didn’t he?”

I shook my head. “No. He told me you were dealing with morning sickness and would I please make you tea and not tell you he had asked.”

Her irritation slid away and a laugh burst forth. “But you just told me.”

“I thought it was the safer option.”

Lacie let out a long sigh and took the mug. She plopped down on the floor. “He told me I shouldn’t come today and work, but I was determined.” A tear slipped down her face. “I love this place. Just because I have another baby on the way, I don’t to lose what I love.”

I dropped beside her. “Maybe you shouldn’t look at it as you are losing the store, but just in a season where it is wise to accept some help and slow down.”

And the same goes for you.

The words in my head made me swallow. One of the things on my list was to seek out a mentor who would help me navigate things or possibly a counselor if I didn’t feel I could share with anyone in my church. When I had written it on the list, it had seemed so easy. But it was hard to do.

“You’re right. I should have let Jared come, do the work, and then take me to dinner.”

I glanced around at the signs and the boxes that needed to be sorted onto the stocking shelves. “Why don’t you have him take you to lunch and let me do this work today. I know it will put me into overtime, but let me do it for you this once.”

“Yes, let’s pay her and get out of here,” Jared spoke up from the doorway. “And there is a customer at the counter who needs tea if you can, Pam.”

I nodded and left and smiled as I caught a loving look between Lacie and Jared. They were the best.

I swallowed back my fear and I walked up to Joan, one of the sweetest ladies in our church. I cleared my throat.

She turned and smiled. “Pam? How are you?”

I decided that now was a good time to start with perfect honesty. “It’s…last year was rough and has left me feeling like I’m falling apart. I was hoping…I thought maybe…” I mentally shook myself and forced out the words. “I would like you to mentor me and maybe see if we could sort some things out.”

Her smile softened and she reached out a hand and touched my shoulder. “Would you like to go to lunch today?”

“Today?” I nearly choked on the words. For some reason, I thought she would plan for us to get together in a month or so.

Don’t miss what God might have for you here.

“I don’t have anything, but I came in the car with my family. So…”

She waved her hand. “I’ll drop you by your house. Let me go tell Fred he should go with the pastor’s family to the BBQ place he loves.”

I watched her walk away and prayed that I would be able to do this.

I guess I had expected lawyer-like examinations and propping questions and for mentoring to be…well painful. Joan made the lunch a wonderful time. She asked me to tell me about my childhood, my family, and my job. She was so kind and interested in me.

When I touched on some of the things I had dealt with the year before she didn’t prob for details, but asked me how I was coping.

“I…Some times are better than others.” I told her all about my mercies notebook and all the things I was doing each week to bring out joy again.

She nodded and took a sip of the hot tea she had ordered after her meal. “It sounds like you are off to a good start. Tell me, how are you renewing your mind though? It sounds like a lot of lies and doubts were poured into you. What are you doing to replace it with the truth?”

I hung my head. “I haven’t been doing well with my bible reading or…anything. I have felt so overwhelmed.”

She nodded.

I mentally braced myself for the lecture.

“I know how that is. I remember going through about three months after my youngest got her cancer diagnosis where I read my bible and it felt like it did nothing to me. All these people talked about times of trial being sweet times with Jesus and I was so dry.”

Well, I hadn’t prepared for this response. “Really? How did you deal with that?”

She smiled like she had a secret. “I kept showing up. One day, I still remember I opened the bible and I read the verse about not growing weary of doing good for in due season you’ll reap a harvest. I cried. For the first time in months, I felt something. For about two weeks after that, it felt like every time I opened the Bible, something wonderful would leap off the page.” She reached across the table and put her wrinkled hand over mine. “Be faithful. Keep doing good.”

I swallowed back my emotion and nodded. I didn’t have words, but I would hold on to hers.

When I reached home, I grabbed my mercies notebook and jotted down from an overflowing heart.

Mercies this week:

God’s faithfulness, even when I am not

Joan’s gentle and humble words

God’s word

I had donated to the fundraiser for Jessie’s Dad. Since I could do it anonymously, with neither my family nor Jessie knowing I had, I did it. Because I still cared even if she didn’t want me in her life.

I entered My Weekend Is Booked to a Tea through the back door. I would be manning the store alone today. Lacie and Jared were taking their kids out on an adventure and telling them that Lacie was expecting again. This would be her second baby, but her fourth child in the house. Molly and Anna would be excited. Little Hosanna probably wouldn’t understand, but still be happy.

I turned on the lights and started the hot water. I liked opening the store and getting it off to a good start. Then my phone dinged, and I looked down at it. It was a social media post by a teacher I often found encouraging.

Behind on your Bible reading plan already? Three strategies to help you not give up.

I slapped my forehead. I hadn’t even thought about a reading plan. What was wrong with me? Here it was almost the end of January and I had read my Bible probably three times a week at the most. No, probably less than that.

I dropped to the floor and the tears spilled over.

“God! I can’t do this! I’m exhausted trying to find joy, to try new things, to try to heal. And I’m failing at it all.”

I had failed as a friend. I was failing my God who had saved me and redeemed me. What else would I mess up in my life? My family? My job?

“And I am so, so tired of the tears,” I whispered. Why wasn’t I feeling the joy yet?

I lifted my eyes and stood. The display of small wooden signs needed straightening. I adjusted the signs and saw a customer had shoved one sign behind another.

Count your blessings.

I let out a long breath. I didn’t feel like it but hadn’t one of the things on my list been a gratitude jar? It would be like God’s mercies I was writing down in the notebook, but it would be a little more visible.

I set the sign down in the correct place and took a step back. I didn’t think I could be grateful right now, not when I was failing at everything.

I plastered on a smile and hoped Crystal would be in a hurry to be back on the road. I didn’t feel in the mood to hang out with anyone. I wanted to go home, throw that stupid list of things to do and mercy notebook in the trash, and then indulge in some stupid show that would be mind-numbing and then sleep for about ten hours, preferably without any dreams.

Yes, I was in a bad mood and I didn’t know how to hide it. My smile wouldn’t stay in place if I wasn’t thinking about it. Maybe it was a good thing Crystal was meeting me at my job. Maybe I could invent a work excuse. Perhaps I could suddenly remember an urgent something that needed to be done in the back room. However, that would be lying. I didn’t need to fail more as a Christian.

“Pam!”

I turned and plastered on the smile again. “Hi, Crystal.” I knew my enthusiasm didn’t match hers, but I couldn’t. Not today. I was barely holding it together.

“It’s so good to see you. I was remembering that readers retreat you, Jessie, and I went on and realized it’s been two years since we did that and that’s the last time we were together. Can you believe it?”

You know how in the films when everything freezes and the main character is suddenly transported back to a memory and then the present fades back in? Well, mentioning the reader retreat was like that for me. It had been an amazing week and we had fun. And it was that week Jessie had said I had ruined our friendship.

“Have you heard from Jessie in the last couple of days?” Crystal asked. “She hasn’t replied to my last text.”

I shook my head slowly. I felt like I was treading on dangerous ground. I didn’t know how to talk about Jessie without being raw. So, I just didn’t talk to anyone but God about her, well, and my mother at times.

“Well, that worries me. I know she was worried her dad might have to have surgery. When was the last time you heard from her?”

Wow, now here was a question there was no easy answer to. I let my shoulders drop. I was too tired and discouraged to fight this.

“October seventeenth.” My words were monotone even to me. I suddenly felt so numb and tired. Why was it only two in the afternoon? Why couldn’t it be time to close, go home, and sleep?

Crystal cocked her head. “October? Pam, what’s going on? You two used to be so close and I used to be a very happy third wheel to your duo. What happened?”

I sank onto the stool by the register. “I…Jessie…” I took a deep breath. “I said and did some things during the weekend of that retreat which hurt Jessie deeply. I didn’t know it at the time but… I wounded our friendship beyond repair.”

Crystal shook her head slowly. “That doesn’t make sense. The three of us were together the whole time. I don’t remember anything you did…”

I pressed my lips together, trying to figure out what I should and shouldn’t say. “Remember the book exchange and the signed copy of the Nutcracker retelling I stole from her?”

“I remember, didn’t she laugh and you offered to give it back to her when we got back to our room?”

I swallowed. “Well, that hurt her feelings, and also remember who we…I went on and on about that fantasy book?”

“Oh yes, that one we all hated.”

“She loves it.”

“She did? Why didn’t she say anything?”

A question I had asked myself so many times and asked her quite a few times to her directly.

I stared down at my hands. “Well, I hurt her by what I said. Along with a few other incidents that were between her and me. We tried to work it out but in October… I just hadn’t been able to do enough to repair the relationship.”

“You hadn’t done enough? Pam, it isn’t about what you do. You can’t earn forgiveness. It’s given and received.”

I struggled to find words that were true and also kind toward my friend. I decided to use the words Jessie had told me in October. “But sometimes, you do so much damage, forgiveness is given but restoration is impossible.”

Crystal’s arm came around me. “Oh, Pam. I’m so sorry.”

I lost it again. The tears spilled down my face. “I tried so hard to fix it, Crystal. I just…I had damaged it too much. I’m such a mess and I don’t have a bible reading plan and I just want hope and joy again,” I blabbered like an idiot. “I don’t want to come between you and Jessie. It really was… I did some stupid things that hurt her without realizing it.”

Crystal squeezed me tighter. “Pam, you are not a mess – you’re hurting. I’m not going to stop being your friend, okay?”

I finally hugged her back and my tears subsided. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall apart on you.”

She shook her head as she pulled away. “Sounds like you have a lot piled inside. Come on, let’s get some tea and talk.”

I swallowed. “I…I don’t want to gossip about Jessie. I probably already shared too much.”

Crystal shook her head. “It was bound to come out at some point she wasn’t talking to you. I see you blame yourself. How about we talk about other things entirely? Like maybe a reading plan?”

I let out a sigh. “I realized today I haven’t been reading my bible much and I don’t have a reading plan for the year. I feel like a failure.”

“Well, it’s never too late to start a plan. I did one last year which was wonderful. I read through some of the smaller books of the bible and really dug into them. It was nicer than trying to keep up with a lot of daily reading.”

The idea sparked hope that I could do that. “It sounds good.”