Episode #22: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

“God can still heal this. Remember this isn’t the end.”

I sighed and tried to hold onto Joan’s words but I just couldn’t. Would guys think I couldn’t keep my marriage vows if my parents couldn’t?

Get a grip, Pam. Your parents aren’t divorced yet! Just do your job and try to hold onto hope.

I blinked as I straightened the children’s area as one homeschool group left, knowing we had another coming in an hour. I tried to focus on the work and not think, but my mind wouldn’t be silenced.

What would Evan think?

What does it matter? We were only ever friends and not amazing ones at that. Stop being obsessed with him.

I’m not obsessed, but do I really think that someone like him from an amazing family would ever look at me as a potential spouse?

If they didn’t, they would be counting the parents’ sins against the children. Not very Christlike.

But can’t we all admit that some things are passed down? Maybe you should stop thinking about marriage at all.

I took a long breath. The arguments going through my head repeated and continued to the point I thought I would go crazy. Also, why did I have to argue like this with myself? Some counselor or psychiatrist would probably think I was crazy.

“Miss Pam!”

I turned and Molly stood with a book in her hand. I smiled. “Hello there, Molly.”

“Have you read this book?” She held out a book for me to inspect.

I smiled at the cutely illustrated cover. “I have, but it’s been years.”

She nodded. “My friend at church gave it to me when she finished reading it. She has red hair just like Anne of Green Gables.”

I smiled at her. I thought about my Green Gables phase, which had been less about the books and more about the Megan Follows movies. I had once wanted to dress like they did in the movies and visit Prince Edward Island.

“Mamma…I mean, Aunt Lacie says I can read it all by myself.”

I gave her a hug. “That’s wonderful.”

Molly sighed. “I keep calling Aunt Lacie Mama by mistake.”

I knelt down so I could be at eye level with the child. “I don’t think she minds.”

Molly hugged the book to her chest. “But she is my Aunt Lacie, not my mama. Anna calls her mama though.”

I silently prayed for wisdom and patience I didn’t have at the moment. “Is that hard for you?”

She nodded. “I don’t want to forget Papa and Mama. Anne didn’t pretend Marilla and Matthew were her parents.”

I again prayed for wisdom and gentle words I didn’t have in me. “I don’t think your sister is pretending. Yes, Jared and Lacie are your uncle and aunt, not your parents. But they are your guardians which is like they are your parents, even if they didn’t give birth to you. Anna is calling them what they mean to her.”

Molly looked down at her book. “But I still want them to just by my uncle and aunt.”

I patted her shoulder “That’s okay too. Did you know we have the whole Anne of Green Gables series here?”

“Really? Where?”

I breathed out a sigh of relief. I didn’t think I could deal much with the heavy emotions of others and took her to see the books.

I returned to the front counter and checked out an elderly woman purchasing books for her granddaughters. Next, I had a tea order to make for a young mom and her two kids. I was grateful it was a busier than normal Monday.

As soon as the next book club’s drink orders were filled and I made sure they had what they needed, I moved toward a box behind the counter of items that needed discount stickers put on them. I would need to update our clearance rack.

I let out another long sigh as I pushed my canvas bag off the box. It held my mercies notebook and my list of things to do. I should pick something to do this week. I should think of something that I could put in my mercies notebook.

I put one earbud in and put on some music to try to settle my nerves. I should keep listening to my audiobook or think of things to put into my mercies notebook, instead, I let the instrumental soundtrack play as I applied sale stickers to the box of items.

 

I paused the Anne of Green Gables movie. I should get to bed. I looked toward the canvas bag. I needed to put something down in my notebook and pick something on the list to do.

I swallowed and turned out the lights. Perhaps I should, but I just couldn’t this week. I would try again the next week, but I just didn’t feel like trying to see God’s mercy in the midst of this pain nor did I think doing something fun would help me be more hopeful.

A tear slipped down my cheek and I turned in my bed. “I’m sorry, Father.” I prayed. “It just hurts so bad.”

Somehow, I felt like He understood.