Lost!

8:29 AM


Writing on the Weekends 1


Here is a story I wrote for Writing on the Weekends.

They had been riding for what seemed like forever. What had been their former home, Tranquility Castle, lay behind them in the mountains, and before them lay danger of the unknown.

Christopher led his sisters toward the one place he was sure they could get away from the whoever it was who was after them, but it was also one of the most dangerous places he could go - the Enchanted Forest. He hesitated only a moment to enter the dreaded place, but when he saw his sisters' faces he knew that he had to risk it and plunged in.

********

Lost. Christopher knew that they were wandering around and not getting anywhere. To make matters even worse, a storm was coming in, and it looked like it was going to be a bad one. He had thought that he could find the old road used by traders sometimes and get to a friend’s castle, but all he had done was get them lost.

Suddenly, Christopher turned back at a strange sound and realized that they were being followed. How had someone tracked them all the way out here?

“Quick!” He called to his sisters. “Follow me!” With that he dug his knees into his horse. They were quickly galloping through the woods. Ducking under branches and maneuvering around trees.

He looked back and saw three men on horseback in the uniform of Tranquility Castle not far behind them; he knew it would not be long before they caught up with them.

“God, please help us,” Christopher prayed. Suddenly, out of the trees a woman stepped out holding a long bow. As Christopher looked back to see what was going on, he saw the woman take aim and shoot her arrow at one of their pursuers. What was going on? Who was the woman?

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3 comments

  1. Good story, Sarah! I loved the mystery and adventure and wanted to read more :) The ending was amazing; the reader wonders right along with Christopher, what is going on? Who is she? Loved it! :) I do have two small suggestions, though.

    Both things are found in the first section. The first thing is in the very first sentence. It's important to grab reader's attention with the first sentence, and I think yours has enough mystery where people would keep reading; why are they riding? Where are they going?

    But the last part 'for what seemed like forever' sounded a little weak to me. I think it would sound better if you replaced it with a more unique simile, or rewrote the last part. Hmmm... let me think. You could rewrite it to sound like this:

    They had been riding endlessly, seconds turning into minutes, minutes rapidly turning into hours. On and on the horses ran, breathing deep, hoofs pounding. Behind them in the mountains lay Tranquility Castle; before them lay danger of the unknown.

    But that's a little long, so something short and quick like this might be better;

    They had been riding longer than a battle. What had been their former home, Tranquility Castle...

    And you get the point ;) The only other thing I noticed was the name of the forest; Enchanted Forest. That name has been done before, so maybe something a little more unique? You could do it after someone's name (think of things like John F. Kennedy International Airport, Nestle's Chocolate, Pike's Peak, etc.) or find another word such as spellbound, mystic, enrapture, etc. If you type some words in a Thesaurus you should come up with plenty of alternative words :)

    Anyway, hope you don't mind my critiques! You can do whatever you like with them; change them, ignore them, whatever :) Thought your story was awesome! And sorry this comment was so incredibly long! LOL.

    ~Arianna~

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  2. Loved it! When's the second part coming out? :)

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  3. That was a Great story Sarah!
    There is a lot of adventure in it which I LOVE! Can't wait to see how it ends!
    Read more soon!
    -allison

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