The Destiny of One

My somewhat normal life

Five Fun Valentine's Day Ideas for Any Stage of Life

6:00 AM

Adventure Between the Pages

Savoring Singleness: A Book Review

1:41 PM

Find it on: Goodreads | Kindle | Hardback |

Age Appropriate For: 16 and up (See content notes below)

Best for Ages: 18 and up

Description: Why savoring single? Because you were meant to enjoy it!

Finding purpose, knowing love, and experiencing adventure aren’t reserved solely for the married girls! You can enjoy a full and vibrant life even while being single. It’s also a perfect time to partner with what God wants to develop in you through this once-in-a-lifetime part of your journey! Girl, being single is okay. There is a purpose for it, and it won’t last forever. So savor it!

Yes, I'm married and still reading books on singleness because I still have a heart for singles and want to help my single sisters in Christ find amazing resources for living a life for God.

This book was a girl-to-girl book. It felt like you were sitting down with a good friend who was just sharing her heart and what God had taught her. It made the whole book so enjoyable to read.

Black shares everything from lessons she learned, biblical truth, the practical advice. Some of the things seemed rather basic and simplistic, while at other times she was super insightful with her thoughts.

I will say that there was only one thing I took issue with in this book. In a section dealing with sexual purity, she gave a list of practical ways to help you keep yourself on the straight and narrow. Most of it was solid advice not only from a practical standpoint but also for staying above reproach. However, the last item on the list was not even to hang out with guys. Perhaps the author meant something specific rather than general. I think that women can reap a lot of benefits from healthy, non-romantic relationships with their brothers in Christ.

Black deals head-on with so many things in ways that I think will both bless and encourage the single girl's heart. She does it in such a positive and encouraging tone without being fake that I think many will come away blessed.

Content note: There are two chapters that deal with sex and sexual purity. Black covers it for both girls who are virgins and those who are no longer virgins. Being a virgin herself, I'm not sure how helpful those who aren't will find her section talking to them. However, she covers the whole topic with tact, straightforwardness, and a lot of grace.

singleness

Why am I Still Single? (and other incorrect questions)

2:00 PM

It's a completely natural and normal reaction. When we're where we don't want to be or dealing with something we never wanted to deal with, we ask why. Why we are here? What did we do to be here? How to ever avoid dealing with this again? When we're single and don't want to be, the natural reaction is to ask why we're single and how to change our status.

But what if we're asking the wrong question?

If we ask the wrong question, even if we get the right answers to those questions, it doesn't satisfy our hearts. Even worse, we often are led to the wrong conclusions because we are seeking a satisfying answer in the wrong place. And if that isn't enough, if we ask the wrong question, we're susceptible to the lies of our enemy.

Being single, there are always people who offer suggestions for why you're single, whether or not you ask. They tell you you're too excitable, not outgoing enough, need to wear different clothing, need to get out more, lose weight, be less picky about who you date, and on and on. And we fall for it. Oh, we might continue to do what we know is right, but it becomes joyless because we secretly think they might be right.

And it all goes back to our wrong questions.

Here's a truth that took me far too long to figure out. In many ways, I'm still learning. When I'm not receiving satisfying answers to my questions - answers that draw me closer to the heart of God - I need to reexamine my questions.

Why am I still single? There is no answer that can truly satisfy that question. Some guys will say you aren't pretty enough, godly enough, or skinny enough. Some people might say you're not trusting God enough, you're being too picky, or you aren't ready. The simple answer is it isn't God's timing, but that doesn't satisfy you or me.

So what's the question we should ask instead? That depends on where your heart is and what is your deepest struggle. But here are a few questions you might try. Write them down and find which resonates with you right now:

What does God want me to be putting my energy into right now?
What character traits should I be cultivating?
What are the dreams, relationships, and activities I'm hesitant, or maybe even refusing, to surrender to God?
How can I find my joy in the LORD at this point in my life?

These are questions we can find the answers to. These answers will satisfy. True, it might take us some time, many prayers, and maybe a few tears to find them, but we can find them.

What incorrect questions have you been asking?

Here are a few other incorrect questions I commonly asked myself as a single and how I felt I could better reframe them.

Question: Is this person my future spouse?

Better question: If I knew my relationship with this person would always be a friend and nothing more, how do I feel God would want me to treat them?

Question: Why is she getting married and having kids and I'm still single?

Better question: What is preventing me from fully rejoicing with others? Is there bitterness, envy, or jealousy I need to uproot?

Question: What if I never get married?

Better question: How do I wholeheartedly pursue what God is calling me to do right now?

Question: What if I end up alone?

Better question: How do I build deep and meaningful relationships with those around me?

Question: Why does it have to hurt so bad right now?

Better question: Am I allowing this pain to draw me closer to God or am I just demanding answers?

5 things

5 Traits to Cultivate for Future Relationships

1:42 PM

Post contains Amazon Affiliate Links

When we are single, it's easy to get sucked into trying to make ourselves more attractive or acceptable in order to gain a spouse. Yet, we often need to be reminded to cultivate our character to prepare for our future relationships. And you know what? Even if you never get married, these traits will serve you well in all relationships.

Oh, and as a bonus, this list can also serve as traits to look for in someone else.

The older I get, the more I have found humility before God to be a core trait to cultivate and seek in others. The Bible has a lot to say about pride and the damage it does to our relationship with God and other people. Cultivating humility doesn't mean thinking less of ourselves - that is false humility. True humility comes when we remember how holy, great, and glorious God is.

Some helpful ways to cultivate humility I've found are:

Reading books like Humility by Andrew Murray or Breaking Pride by Heather Bixler
Purposefully meditating on the character of God (I find many Psalms helpful for this)
Recognizing situations that bring out my pride and praying during those times that God will cultivate humility in my heart

I feel like one of the most neglected fruits of the spirit and yet one vital to a thriving relationship is gentleness. This is one I don't have naturally. I have a bold personality and I struggled for years because generally, gentleness is shown as weakness and a gentle person is someone who capitulates to others. It's not surprising that this is a distorted view of gentleness. Gentleness is not bowing to others, it is trusting God so deeply with your own needs that you can extend grace and mercy in the face of what others throw at you.

Gentleness is not denying your hurt or that someone has wronged you. It's handing those feelings over, knowing Jesus will provide for you so that you can extend kindness and mercy to that person. It's being silent or only saying kind things about those who've wronged you. It's watching someone you care about melting down, and instead of running away, you listen, and when the time is right, turn their attention to Jesus.

Some helpful ways to cultivate gentleness:

Study how Jesus and many others responded to others. They are our guide. Jesus called himself gentle and lowly.
Identify people and situations that cause you frustration and bring out abrasive tendencies. Write out a plan to respond in gentleness. Review regularly.
Pray for discernment to know the difference between gentleness and capitulation.

I have found that a key in relationships is knowing how to have fun. Does this surprise you after the first two items I mentioned? If your relationships (and this includes family, and friends as well as romantic relationships) are going to thrive, not just survive, you need to know how to have fun and help others have fun. Be careful of falling into the trap that it has to look the same for everyone. My husband and I love to hike. We find this fun and we talk easier when our feet are moving and we have a goal to reach. Other people would find this pure torture.

In cultivating how to have fun remember it isn't about just what you find enjoyable. Reading and watching movies are great (I dearly love both) but when cultivating this trait with the thought of relationships, think about things that are interactive, bring out the best in you and in others, and build others up. This does not mean everything you find fun has to fit those categories, but when purposefully cultivating for future relationships, that should be your target.

Some ways to cultivate this kind of fun:

Practice trying new things with your friends or family you might not love at first sight. You'll cultivate learning to enjoy what others do.
Find two or three things that fit all three of the categories mentioned above (interactive, bring out the best in you, and build others up) that you love to do. Make space for them in your life. (Board games, singing with others, hiking, and hobbies are just a few ideas).
Set a goal for yourself to practice having fun with others each week. Pick a sibling who you struggle to get along with as a starting point or a friend who has been distant. Having fun can transform a relationship.

I have had some friendships that have meant a lot to me that have gone up in flames. It's devastating and leaves you with emotional scars. Sadly, even romantic relationships with amazing people are not safe from betrayal and hurt. Even if we are talking about something small like a spouse forgetting a date or not coming home on time it can feel like a big deal. So what do we cultivate in times like these? While there are many right answers, the ultimate one is to anchor yourself in Jesus. People WILL disappoint you. Even your best friend, the most amazing spouse, and your closest sibling will do something that hurts. If your soul is not anchored in Jesus and what He says about you, it will be anchored in other people's actions toward you.

Ways to cultivate Jesus as your anchor:

Spend time with Jesus daily. Read your Bible, pray, and meditate on Him and who you are because of Him.
Read good, biblically grounded books on who you are in Christ and what biblical friendship is. I highly recommend the book Friend-ish is a good starting point for what friendship is and isn't.
Identify what scares you most about relationships with others. Look at those areas as a starting guide to where you need to cultivate Jesus as your anchor.

One of the hardest skills, the scariest skills, to cultivate in relationships is reconciliation. Often, we talk about the importance of forgiveness, but in recent years, I've realized that forgiveness is one side of a two-sided coin. I have forgiven the friends who have cut me out of their lives. Am I still sad? Yes, but I've forgiven them. Forgiveness is something I can choose to do no matter the actions of another. Reconciliation, on the other hand, takes two. Reconciliation also takes action and discussion. It is harder than accepting an apology or letting go of something in your heart. It takes going to another person and discussing what happened or what was said so you can restore fellowship.

Let me share a story from my own life. In my teens, I found a bathroom set that was rubber duckies I loved. My sister Rose and I shared a bathroom and I asked her if it would be okay if I got the set for our bathroom. She said yes. However, Rose thought the set was dumb and quickly discovered having to look at it every day frustrated her. She finally came to me and told me she hated the set. It was not an easy conversation. She had to confess she resented me for that bathroom set. I felt like she had lied to me and then was angry at me when I didn't just know what I had done wrong. It took a lot of time to talk through how this had happened and find better ways to communicate so this didn't happen again. However, by the end of that, we were reconciled. She hadn't just forgiven me for buying that set and making her bathroom trips horrible and I wasn't having to continually forgive Rose for the frustration she directed my way. We had worked through a problem and dealt with the heart of it, extending and receiving forgiveness.

This skill is very, very hard to cultivate. You will sometimes try to reconcile with someone who has no interest in doing the work it takes. You will share how something someone did hurt you and they will roll their eyes and walk away. You might open a discussion only to meet with a silent wall someone has built. Conversely, it means when someone comes to you and tells you about how your words or actions hurt them, instead of justifying yourself or crumbling with the weight of it, you forge ahead with repentance where appropriate, and conversations that lead to better understanding. It means choosing to seek the best for others.

How to cultivate reconciliation:

Learn about how your personality works and how other personalities work. Understanding people on some level is helpful in difficult situations.
Strive to ask questions instead of making assumptions. Ascribing motives for the actions of others is a slippery slope. On the flip side, learn how to gently correct when people make assumptions or fail to ask questions of you.
Practice the small things. Small issues are often a little easier to tackle. Try talking to a sibling, parent, or friend about something small you feel is hindering the relationship. Explain you're cultivating reconciliation and you want their help to learn to do it well.
Know the process will be different for different people. I have one sister I have to wait until we are both a little past a situation to be able to deal with it well, while I have to deal with things in the moment with my Mom. Learn what works for each relationship.

Adventure Between the Pages

Kingdom Single: Book Review

1:30 PM

Read and reviewed in January 2021. Post contains Amazon Affiliate Links

Find it on: Goodreads | Kindle | Paperback | Audiobook

Age Appropriate For: 16 and up (according to your background. There are frank discussions about sex, and avoiding sexual temptation)

Best for Ages: 18 and up

Description: If you’re single and feeling incomplete or even like a second-class citizen in Christian circles, Dr. Tony Evans wants to encourage you to live fully where you are.

Kingdom Single will encourage you to see yourself as complete in Christ and free to serve Him. It will empower you to live as Kingdom men and women in a corrupt culture.

Tony Evans is a much-loved pastor and known for his sense of knowing when to encourage and when to lovingly admonish, to help people become who God calls them to be. If you are single and reading this book—or if you lead or pastor singles—your identity in Christ will be affirmed. Additionally, you will receive coaching for what to look for in a prospective spouse, and be challenged to live godly lives while pursuing Kingdom causes.

I owe you an apology, Amanda. You recommended this book to me and I inwardly rolled my eyes. Pretty much all the books for singles that I've read or looked into reading by married people were frankly less than helpful. They focused either on marriage or read more like a rant against the selfishness of singles in today's culture.

This book wasn't like that at all.

Evens starts off the book by explaining why he feels he has something to say to singles and addresses some of the reasons people might not listen to him (like the fact he's been married for many years). I already liked his humility and compassionate tone as he explained. He tore down some of the reasons I was feeling defensive about reading the book.

This book deals head-on with many issues with grace, biblical truths, and common sense. Evens spoke plainly and without sugar-coating anything, yet maintained a humble and conversational tone throughout the books. This wasn't a book of rules, do's and don'ts, or about getting singles to get to work for the church, this book addressed the heart of many struggles singles face.

One of the best things about this book for me? Evens admitted the failure of the church at large toward singles while still encouraging singles to honor God and participate in the local church. He gave a voice to the hurt and pain many singles at church feel, yet still spoke words of encouragement to not allow that pain to deter them. Yes! This is the kind of voice we need in our singleness books!

Overall, I think this is the best general book on singleness for both men and women.

Just to be clear, I took one star off simply because of several sections (single parents, divorced) that didn't really apply to me and a couple of minor theological differences.

Content notes: Sex is discussed frankly. As someone who has come from a more conservative, less sex-saturated culture than many, I did squirm a little. However, I felt the discussion was appropriate for the targeted audience.