The Destiny of One: singleness

singleness

My mom is a very wise woman. She has told me from the time I was little that relationships are never stagnant. They are either growing or dying. The longer I live, the more I realize she's right. There is sadly almost never any middle ground when it comes to relationships. You grow together or you grow apart.

One of the only sad parts of getting married was the relationship loss. One of my dearest and closest friendships didn't make the transition from my single life into my married life. It's easy to think I could tell you why that is, but I only see one side of the story. What I can tell you is that it isn't an easy time for relationships. Even within my family (who were all really amazing and stayed my dear friends) there was an adjustment period.

Now that I've been on both sides of the equation, I feel like I have a better perspective. Do married people forget their single friends? Do single people not want to be around married people? Have they just forgotten you in the transition? While each situation is different here are some things that are almost always true.

For Singles:

~ Remember, you are a valuable friend. Sometimes it's easy to assume that because someone is getting married you mean less to them. At least for me, my friendship with others meant almost more to me after I got married. You are still wanted and needed.

~ Assume your married friends will be pretty quiet for a bit, especially if they lived with their parents and siblings before they married. The first three months, while wonderful, is full of adjustments.

~ Give your friend the gift of understanding priorities have changed. Just because you aren't as high on the proverbial list, doesn't mean you aren't on the list.

~ Don't be afraid of reaching out. Just because they have a lot going on, doesn't mean that you will be a bother.

~ Don't fall for the lie that they don't understand you anymore. Yes, marriage changes the priorities and perspectives of people, but that doesn't me they forget what it's like to be single.

~ It is okay to say you aren't comfortable with a topic of conversation. My sister had a couple of friends who started sharing details of their new lives she was uncomfortable with. It was not only wise for her, but for her friends to tell them the truth.

~ Take time to examine your own heart before accusing. As sinful humans, we can quickly assume the worst motivations of others and justify our actions. Sadly, I've seen jealousy, envy, and assumptions drive wedges between friends, oftentimes without people realizing that was the route cause.

For Engaged Ladies or Newlyweds:

~ Let your single friends know they are a priority by communicating not only that fact, but what they can expect from you in the next few months. Remember it's okay to take time to find your new normal and time to focus on your spouse, don't let others make you feel guilty for that.

~ Set a time for yourself to enjoy you spouse and find a new rhythm. After that time, make it a priority to reach back out to your friends, starting with your single friends.

~ Don't be afraid to remind a single friend who seems upset by the new normal about your changing priorities.

~ If a single friend doesn't respond right away, give it some time and try again. Sometimes, they need some space to adjust, but also to know that you aren't going to give up right away.

~ Make sure you ask your single friend about their life. Sometimes, as a newlywed, we can talk a lot about our new and exciting lives. You can even tell your friend "If I talk too much about my husband, just let me know."

For both, remember the following:

~ Give grace to each other.

~ Don't assume you know the motivations of others.

~ If there is an offense, discuss it ASAP, don't let it fester and destroy the friendship.

~ Remind yourself of how amazing your friend is.

Adventure Between the Pages

Thrive: A Book Review

7:00 AM

Find it on: Goodreads | Kindle | Paperback |

Age Appropriate For: 18 and up (frank discussions about sex, masturbation, and struggle for purity).

Best for Ages: 18 and up

Description: Tired of feeling sorry for yourself? Sick of answering the same old questions about why you still haven’t found your perfect match?

Despite what many people think, singleness is not a disease. It’s not the lesser option. Singleness is God’s gift to you today.

In Thrive, Lina AbuJamra – who has been single for over 40 years - will show you how you can make a difference with your life right now instead of sitting around waiting for something to happen to you. If you’re ready to figure out what God has to say about singleness instead of relying on your own feelings and conclusions, this book is for you.

Isn’t it time you get excited about your life in Christ and quit falling back into the same old pattern of thinking? Freedom. Joy. Abundance. Hope. All these are yours the moment you embrace all that God has for you right here right now.

Go ahead. It’s okay to smile. Life as a single Christian is good.

I wish I had found this book as a single. Well, I did. A friend recommended it and it was at the top of my to-read list when my best friend declared his love. However, I still really enjoyed reading this book and highly recommend it to all my single friends.

I love Abujamra’s tone in this book. It is both friendly and humble, but also uncompromising and frank. She never sugar-coats anything and doesn’t hesitate to give the readers a kick where they need it most. Yet, she balances all that by being vulnerable and honest about her own shortcomings and sins. Her openness and honesty really gave this book a special perspective.

The format of this book was great. Her goal is to help you thrive as a single Christian. She shares five attitudes to embrace and four obstacles to overcome. She ends with the secret sauce that makes it all work (her words). And then she shares about single Christians who have thrived for Jesus. This format worked so well and made it easy to keep reading.

Some of her discussion on sex, and especially masturbation, wasn’t necessarily a comfortable read and some who aren’t struggling might skip those parts if they wish. However, I think her insights as both someone who has struggled and as a doctor will be helpful to many singles. She was frank, honest, and uncompromising without being crude or giving needless detail.

I especially apricated her discussion of about the church. God really convicted me on my attitude toward the church during my single years and it was encouraging to have someone both acknowledge that it isn’t easy to be a single in the church, but firmly and with humility say we need to stop using that as an excuse not to participate in church life. Her thoughts on the topic were both steeped in scripture and practical advice.

Overall, this book rocketed my top three books I recommend to singles (the other two being Kingdom Single and Living Whole Without a Better Half). I highly recommend it for singles seeking to thrive, married people wanting to relate well to singles, and pastors who might be looking for excellent resources for their single church members.

Adventure Between the Pages

Savoring Singleness: A Book Review

1:41 PM

Find it on: Goodreads | Kindle | Hardback |

Age Appropriate For: 16 and up (See content notes below)

Best for Ages: 18 and up

Description: Why savoring single? Because you were meant to enjoy it!

Finding purpose, knowing love, and experiencing adventure aren’t reserved solely for the married girls! You can enjoy a full and vibrant life even while being single. It’s also a perfect time to partner with what God wants to develop in you through this once-in-a-lifetime part of your journey! Girl, being single is okay. There is a purpose for it, and it won’t last forever. So savor it!

Yes, I'm married and still reading books on singleness because I still have a heart for singles and want to help my single sisters in Christ find amazing resources for living a life for God.

This book was a girl-to-girl book. It felt like you were sitting down with a good friend who was just sharing her heart and what God had taught her. It made the whole book so enjoyable to read.

Black shares everything from lessons she learned, biblical truth, the practical advice. Some of the things seemed rather basic and simplistic, while at other times she was super insightful with her thoughts.

I will say that there was only one thing I took issue with in this book. In a section dealing with sexual purity, she gave a list of practical ways to help you keep yourself on the straight and narrow. Most of it was solid advice not only from a practical standpoint but also for staying above reproach. However, the last item on the list was not even to hang out with guys. Perhaps the author meant something specific rather than general. I think that women can reap a lot of benefits from healthy, non-romantic relationships with their brothers in Christ.

Black deals head-on with so many things in ways that I think will both bless and encourage the single girl's heart. She does it in such a positive and encouraging tone without being fake that I think many will come away blessed.

Content note: There are two chapters that deal with sex and sexual purity. Black covers it for both girls who are virgins and those who are no longer virgins. Being a virgin herself, I'm not sure how helpful those who aren't will find her section talking to them. However, she covers the whole topic with tact, straightforwardness, and a lot of grace.

singleness

Why am I Still Single? (and other incorrect questions)

2:00 PM

It's a completely natural and normal reaction. When we're where we don't want to be or dealing with something we never wanted to deal with, we ask why. Why we are here? What did we do to be here? How to ever avoid dealing with this again? When we're single and don't want to be, the natural reaction is to ask why we're single and how to change our status.

But what if we're asking the wrong question?

If we ask the wrong question, even if we get the right answers to those questions, it doesn't satisfy our hearts. Even worse, we often are led to the wrong conclusions because we are seeking a satisfying answer in the wrong place. And if that isn't enough, if we ask the wrong question, we're susceptible to the lies of our enemy.

Being single, there are always people who offer suggestions for why you're single, whether or not you ask. They tell you you're too excitable, not outgoing enough, need to wear different clothing, need to get out more, lose weight, be less picky about who you date, and on and on. And we fall for it. Oh, we might continue to do what we know is right, but it becomes joyless because we secretly think they might be right.

And it all goes back to our wrong questions.

Here's a truth that took me far too long to figure out. In many ways, I'm still learning. When I'm not receiving satisfying answers to my questions - answers that draw me closer to the heart of God - I need to reexamine my questions.

Why am I still single? There is no answer that can truly satisfy that question. Some guys will say you aren't pretty enough, godly enough, or skinny enough. Some people might say you're not trusting God enough, you're being too picky, or you aren't ready. The simple answer is it isn't God's timing, but that doesn't satisfy you or me.

So what's the question we should ask instead? That depends on where your heart is and what is your deepest struggle. But here are a few questions you might try. Write them down and find which resonates with you right now:

What does God want me to be putting my energy into right now?
What character traits should I be cultivating?
What are the dreams, relationships, and activities I'm hesitant, or maybe even refusing, to surrender to God?
How can I find my joy in the LORD at this point in my life?

These are questions we can find the answers to. These answers will satisfy. True, it might take us some time, many prayers, and maybe a few tears to find them, but we can find them.

What incorrect questions have you been asking?

Here are a few other incorrect questions I commonly asked myself as a single and how I felt I could better reframe them.

Question: Is this person my future spouse?

Better question: If I knew my relationship with this person would always be a friend and nothing more, how do I feel God would want me to treat them?

Question: Why is she getting married and having kids and I'm still single?

Better question: What is preventing me from fully rejoicing with others? Is there bitterness, envy, or jealousy I need to uproot?

Question: What if I never get married?

Better question: How do I wholeheartedly pursue what God is calling me to do right now?

Question: What if I end up alone?

Better question: How do I build deep and meaningful relationships with those around me?

Question: Why does it have to hurt so bad right now?

Better question: Am I allowing this pain to draw me closer to God or am I just demanding answers?

Adventure Between the Pages

Kingdom Single: Book Review

1:30 PM

Read and reviewed in January 2021. Post contains Amazon Affiliate Links

Find it on: Goodreads | Kindle | Paperback | Audiobook

Age Appropriate For: 16 and up (according to your background. There are frank discussions about sex, and avoiding sexual temptation)

Best for Ages: 18 and up

Description: If you’re single and feeling incomplete or even like a second-class citizen in Christian circles, Dr. Tony Evans wants to encourage you to live fully where you are.

Kingdom Single will encourage you to see yourself as complete in Christ and free to serve Him. It will empower you to live as Kingdom men and women in a corrupt culture.

Tony Evans is a much-loved pastor and known for his sense of knowing when to encourage and when to lovingly admonish, to help people become who God calls them to be. If you are single and reading this book—or if you lead or pastor singles—your identity in Christ will be affirmed. Additionally, you will receive coaching for what to look for in a prospective spouse, and be challenged to live godly lives while pursuing Kingdom causes.

I owe you an apology, Amanda. You recommended this book to me and I inwardly rolled my eyes. Pretty much all the books for singles that I've read or looked into reading by married people were frankly less than helpful. They focused either on marriage or read more like a rant against the selfishness of singles in today's culture.

This book wasn't like that at all.

Evens starts off the book by explaining why he feels he has something to say to singles and addresses some of the reasons people might not listen to him (like the fact he's been married for many years). I already liked his humility and compassionate tone as he explained. He tore down some of the reasons I was feeling defensive about reading the book.

This book deals head-on with many issues with grace, biblical truths, and common sense. Evens spoke plainly and without sugar-coating anything, yet maintained a humble and conversational tone throughout the books. This wasn't a book of rules, do's and don'ts, or about getting singles to get to work for the church, this book addressed the heart of many struggles singles face.

One of the best things about this book for me? Evens admitted the failure of the church at large toward singles while still encouraging singles to honor God and participate in the local church. He gave a voice to the hurt and pain many singles at church feel, yet still spoke words of encouragement to not allow that pain to deter them. Yes! This is the kind of voice we need in our singleness books!

Overall, I think this is the best general book on singleness for both men and women.

Just to be clear, I took one star off simply because of several sections (single parents, divorced) that didn't really apply to me and a couple of minor theological differences.

Content notes: Sex is discussed frankly. As someone who has come from a more conservative, less sex-saturated culture than many, I did squirm a little. However, I felt the discussion was appropriate for the targeted audience.

Adventure Between the Pages

Love, Amy: An Accidental Memoir Told in Newsletters from China by Amy Young: A Book Review

1:00 AM

Find it on: Goodreads | Kindle | Paperback | Audiobook

Age Appropriate For: 13 and up for some medical and social situations

Best for Ages: 15 and up

Description: Too often we believe that our stories don’t matter. They do. This the power of a life story unfolding over time. Amy Young quit her job, packed up her belongings, and moved to China to teach English, initially for two years. She anticipated making cultural faux pas, trying new food, seeing God at work, and growing in her knowledge of language and culture. What she could not foresee, though, was nearly dying, experiencing political unrest, taking a job that involved traveling around China, training hundreds to live and minister in China, witnessing the craziness of SARS, or experiencing multiple medical situations. Join Amy, a natural storyteller, as she shares her life in China letter by letter.

I love reading personal memoirs but I haven’t really searched out a lot of them. I stumbled across this book while searching Amazon for books about writing Christian Newsletters. I enjoyed her book Enjoying Newsletters as an author that sends out newsletters. When I finished that book, I was excited to learn more about Amy.

This book chronicles Amy’s life in China from the late ’90s to the 2000s as an English teacher. She went to China to teach English, but also to share her faith. Using the newsletters she sent her supporters, we get a glimpse of life as an English teacher as well as the changing face of China.

Many events like 9/11 and SARS are events that I remember watching unfold. It was interesting to get a look at what it was like in China at the time, not just what the news was reporting. Also, Amy did a wonderful job of showing the good and the heartbreaking parts of the culture. Her love and compassion for the people and her fellow workers was evident in how she writes.

I also apricated reading about a woman who was passionately living her life for God as a single woman. It’s obvious she also loves her family and her family seems to support her. It’s nice to see that too.

I highly recommend this to those who want to learn more about China, those who enjoy memoirs, and anyone who likes to read about real people serving God.

singleness

Singles Valentines 3 book giveaway

8:02 AM

10 things

10 Books for Singles

1:00 AM

*This post contains affiliate links. Thank you for supporting this blog*

I recently started a bookish sort of journey to discover the best books for singles. You know what I've found? There is a shocking lack of good books in singleness. However, even with that being the case, I found a few gems amidst a lot of coal.

Two of the gems I found were tiny, can be read in one sitting but were precious. Waiting for Isaac by Jessica Greyson is a tiny book, but it is filled with so much encouragement. With her normal straightforward biblical advice, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth's book Singled Out for Him has a lot to chew on.

Maybe you are looking for a more general outlook on singleness? Kingdom Single by Tony Evans has been one of the best general books (though some content is not for younger readers). I love his honesty as a married man on his own limitations, but also his vision for what Christian singleness can be. However, some younger readers or those coming to terms t want to start with Beyond Waiting by Rebekah Snyder. This is a wonderful book about embracing singleness.

Perhaps you are looking for fiction with singles? While not everyone is still single at the end, I adored Emma and the Reasons by Natasha Metzler. It spoke deeply to my soul. Well, the same can be said for the novella Wedding Score by Amanda Tero.

7 Myths of Singleness by Sam Allberry was a gift from my siblings for my birthday. I appreciated seeing this from a guy's perspective. I loved both the affirmation and the call to action in this book. However, nothing beats reading about people who've lived it. Fierce Convictions: The Extraordinary Life of Hannah More by Karen Swallow Prior, while a little dry in places, felt like balm to my soul. Here is the story of a woman of deep faith and moral convictions who changed history (for good) as a single lady. If you want a little more modern Love, Amy by Amy Young is just the thing. While not strictly about singleness, this single woman serving in China was such a blessing.

My absolute favorite, so far, has been Living Whole Without a Better Half by Wendy Widder. The author's skill with words is amazing. Her love of Jesus and her use of scripture is wonderful. I think this is the kind of book you could get a lot out of even if you weren't single.

Do you have a favorite book on singleness?

singleness

You're not alone

5:32 PM

singleness

5 Ways to Support Your Single Friends

1:00 AM

So you are looking to support your single friends. You might be married or single yourself, but just not sure how to help out. I mean, for some singles, this is a hard month. Others, this month isn't very hard, but there are still hard days. Here are five ways to support your single friends.

1. Don't spend all your time talking about relationship status. When you start off conversations or visits by asking if they've met any new guys/girls, it can be a barb. Now, that doesn't mean every time you ask, it hurts, but make sure this is a small part/not the first thing you want to know. Remember, they are pretty awesome on their own, right?

2. Remind them what a blessing they are, just as they are. Giving them compliments, getting excited about what they can do as a single, and encouraging them that they are pretty amazing is something they need. In a culture that puts a lot of value of a person on their ability to attract another person, reminders of a single's value are needed.

3. Avoid common comments that don't help. I know this is broad, but let me give you a few examples

"The guy/girl is right around the corner." You don't know that. Believe me, this is a very hollow phrase.

"You are still young." Any variation of this phrase is extremely unhelpful and invalidates the person's pain. I don't care if the person is eighteen or thirty-eight. They are grieving the death of the dream they would be married by that age. Stating the fact they are still young will not endear you to them.

"You just need to_____." Not helpful.

"I wish I had your freedom/wait until you have a husband and kid, then you'll wish you were single" Also, not helpful and kinda insulting

4. Point their focus upward. It's easy for people to get discouraged All of use need to be reminded that this life is not about us. We need godly friends to point us toward Jesus who: Withholds no good thing, He is working all things out for good, He loves us with an everlasting love.

5. Remind them often of hope. This means reminding them that their hope is built not on their Facebook relationship status, but on Jesus. It also means to remind them that God has wonderful plans for them. No matter what their age, that may include a wonderful guy/girl to share their life. Hope is a very precious thing. Help keep it alive.

What do you think the best way to support singles is?