The Destiny of One

The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis: Episode 33

12:00 AM

“I don’t want things to change.”

I bit back my frustration. I wanted to be patient with Ivy; I really did. But it was the fourth time she had ended a long paragraph about Ben dating. She wasn’t happy about how chaotic life was. It wasn’t that she didn’t like Natalie; she just didn’t want a major change.

I prayed for patience as Ivy went off again about why this was a bad time for Ben to be dating and how Mom hadn’t seemed thrilled. I prayed and bit my lip from saying something dumb. I knew my sister was j tired of the chaos and heartache we all felt. However, my irritation was rising with each moment.

Who had had the lousiest year leading up to this? Whose best friend had ended things after months of me trying to repair them? While our parents started struggling and everyone was having a hard time, I was left alone to pick up the pieces because no one seemed to have any emotional energy to spare.

Ivy was being so selfish. She was angry about what Ben’s happiness would cost her. And I was sick of her acting like the world was doing her wrong because things were changing.

I opened my mouth and then closed it as a tear slipped off her nose and into her mug as she told me she couldn’t bear the thought of Ben moving away.

I watched my sister, crying into her iced mint tea, and prayed again. She needed compassion. She needed me to offer her grace. Telling her she was being selfish and I was sick of her whining wouldn’t help her or encourage her; it would only make her cry and feel worse.

Taking a deep breath, I spoke. “I need to go straighten up the sitting area. I’ll be right back.” Okay, so I needed a moment to collect myself. The sitting area wasn’t that messy. Pastor Bob had left not many minutes before, after spending most of the day in one of the chairs working. I adjusted the chair slightly and picked up a shred of paper from his yellow notepad.

“Father God, please help me to give my sister grace and kindness. And the strength to do this is going to have to come from you because I don’t think I have it in me today.” After I said the prayer under my breath, I turned back to my sister and slipped onto the stool next to her.

“Say, Ivy, I haven’t decided on what to do on my joy list this week. Want to pick it for me?”

She shook her head. “It won’t help me feel better.”

I bit back the words that wanted to slip out. “Okay, I was thinking of having a panic like we used to in the park, you know, the one by the river?” It had been the same park I had fasted and prayed a couple of months back. My, how the year was flying by.

“I just don’t see why Ben has to move out.” Ivy pounded a fist on the counter and started crying again.

I took back what I had said to Joan the week before; Ivy wasn’t mature for her age; she was a toddler. I chided myself for the thought. Ivy was having a hard day, just like I had hard days. She had come to me when she got off early from work because she needed comfort, not because she needed chiding.

“It feels like everything is unsettled and nothing is ever going to be finished or resolved again.”

A memory came flying back to me when she said unfinished. I remembered the lamppost in my bedroom I had started in May. I had left it unfinished, hardly thinking about it all this time. I would finish it today.

“That looks much better.” I stood back, surveying as Ivy added shadowing to one side of the lamppost. I had pulled her into the project, and we had put on one of the Narnia movies.

Ivy added a last stroke and then took a step back. “I can’t believe you had left it unfinished for so long.”

I looked toward the lavender vanilla candle burning on my desk. “Sometimes there are things that are painful to return to. Like using the candle-making set Jessie got for me, or finishing this because it made me think of a bad day. But I’m learning I often have to face the things that hurt before they can heal.”

She sighed. “I suppose you’ll say I have to face up to the fact that Ben has a girlfriend and will get married and move out. Or move out and then get married.”

I again prayed for patience, as I was exhausted by Ivy’s anger. How could she not be exhausted from it too? “What do you think would be the best thing for everyone? What do you think would honor God most?”

Ivy stared at the towel she was using to wipe her hands. “God already has taken Dad away. Why does he have to take Ben?”

I sucked in breath. That was a feeling I knew all too well. Hadn’t I fasted and prayed and told God that I couldn’t take it if He took anything else? Hadn’t I known that I would shatter if I had to give up?

“It’s hard, isn’t it?” And my anger drained away, and I sat down to share with my sister what God had been teaching me on the subject.

My Weekly Mercies:

Mercy: Ben is happy

Mercy: Long talks with Ivy

Mercy: I have a painted lamppost on my closet wall.

Marcy: God is using what He is teaching me to bless others

Five years ago

8:54 PM

Five years ago today, I married my best friend

The day was warm and turned out beautifully. I was so excited to be getting married, seeing years of hopes and dreams come true.

Four years ago, we spent two nights in a cabin at a Texas State Park for our anniversary. We had weathered a lot that year, including two miscarriages, one of which left me physically depleted for months. Yet, we came out stronger together

Three years ago, we celebrated by taking a couple of days in Galveston, Texas. We had so much fun and just celebrated a year that had its ups and downs, but had been so good.

Two years ago we did a low-key date on our anniversary. Not only did my sister get married on the 9th, and we were tired from that, but there were some emotionally heavy things looming. It hadn't been an easy year. We had another pregnancy loss and a battery of tests. We knew the next season would be a challenge because of things going on outside of us.

One year ago, we had been on a roller coaster throughout the year. The Januray-Mid March was exhausting and emotional. Mid-March, I got a positive pregnancy test for the fourth time in our marriage; we were excited and scared. I started in on daily shots and followed the guidelines my OB set out.

And then I started bleeding

And then we found out our baby had a heartbeat.

And then I was bleeding again

And then we heard our baby's heartbeat.

And then I was bleeding yet again,

And our baby was still fine

Things settled down, and then a plummet as some things with a family situation weren't going well.

Another exhilarating high of finding out we were having a girl.

Another dramatic drop as I dealt with extreme insomnia. I didn't know you could go that long without sleeping and still function. I really would have been happy not having that knowledge.

We celebrated another year as we settled into another calmer moment, anticipating the birth of our little girl.

Today, we took a hike with our little girl who has now been outside the womb longer than she has been inside. We have had an amazing year, full of smiles, joy, and renewal.

Five years of marriage has been amazing. Even with some of the hard things we have faced, Scott has helped me cling to Jesus. We are better together. I am so greatful whatever is next, we get to do it together.