Why am I Still Single? (and other incorrect questions)

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It's a completely natural and normal reaction. When we're where we don't want to be or dealing with something we never wanted to deal with, we ask why. Why we are here? What did we do to be here? How to ever avoid dealing with this again? When we're single and don't want to be, the natural reaction is to ask why we're single and how to change our status.

But what if we're asking the wrong question?

If we ask the wrong question, even if we get the right answers to those questions, it doesn't satisfy our hearts. Even worse, we often are led to the wrong conclusions because we are seeking a satisfying answer in the wrong place. And if that isn't enough, if we ask the wrong question, we're susceptible to the lies of our enemy.

Being single, there are always people who offer suggestions for why you're single, whether or not you ask.  They tell you you're too excitable, not outgoing enough, need to wear different clothing, need to get out more, lose weight, be less picky about who you date, and on and on. And we fall for it. Oh, we might continue to do what we know is right, but it becomes joyless because we secretly think they might be right. 

And it all goes back to our wrong questions. 

Here's a truth that took me far too long to figure out. In many ways, I'm still learning. When I'm not receiving satisfying answers to my questions - answers that draw me closer to the heart of God - I need to reexamine my questions. 

Why am I still single? There is no answer that can truly satisfy that question. Some guys will say you aren't pretty enough, godly enough, or skinny enough. Some people might say you're not trusting God enough, you're being too picky, or you aren't ready. The simple answer is it isn't God's timing, but that doesn't satisfy you or me. 

So what's the question we should ask instead? That depends on where your heart is and what is your deepest struggle. But here are a few questions you might try. Write them down and find which resonates with you right now:
  • What does God want me to be putting my energy into right now?
  • What character traits should I be cultivating?
  • What are the dreams, relationships, and activities I'm hesitant, or maybe even refusing, to surrender to God?
  • How can I find my joy in the LORD at this point in my life?
These are questions we can find the answers to. These answers will satisfy. True, it might take us some time, many prayers, and maybe a few tears to find them, but we can find them. 

What incorrect questions have you been asking?

Here are a few other incorrect questions I commonly asked myself as a single and how I felt I could better reframe them. 

Question: Is this person my future spouse? 
Better question: If I knew my relationship with this person would always be a friend and nothing more, how do I feel God would want me to treat them?

Question: Why is she getting married and having kids and I'm still single?
Better question: What is preventing me from fully rejoicing with others? Is there bitterness, envy, or jealousy I need to uproot?

Question: What if I never get married?
Better question: How do I wholeheartedly pursue what God is calling me to do right now?

Question: What if I end up alone?
Better question: How do I build deep and meaningful relationships with those around me?

Question: Why does it have to hurt so bad right now?
Better question: Am I allowing this pain to draw me closer to God or am I just demanding answers?

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