Have They Forgotten?

2:22 PM


My mom is a very wise woman. She has told me from the time I was little that relationships are never stagnant. They are either growing or dying. The longer I live, the more I realize she's right. There is sadly almost never any middle ground when it comes to relationships. You grow together or you grow apart.

One of the only sad parts of getting married was the relationship loss. One of my dearest and closest friendships didn't make the transition from my single life into my married life. It's easy to think I could tell you why that is, but I only see one side of the story. What I can tell you is that it isn't an easy time for relationships. Even within my family (who were all really amazing and stayed my dear friends) there was an adjustment period.

Now that I've been on both sides of the equation, I feel like I have a better perspective. Do married people forget their single friends? Do single people not want to be around married people? Have they just forgotten you in the transition? While each situation is different here are some things that are almost always true.

For Singles:

~ Remember, you are a valuable friend. Sometimes it's easy to assume that because someone is getting married you mean less to them. At least for me, my friendship with others meant almost more to me after I got married. You are still wanted and needed.

~ Assume your married friends will be pretty quiet for a bit, especially if they lived with their parents and siblings before they married. The first three months, while wonderful, is full of adjustments.

~ Give your friend the gift of understanding priorities have changed. Just because you aren't as high on the proverbial list, doesn't mean you aren't on the list.

~ Don't be afraid of reaching out. Just because they have a lot going on, doesn't mean that you will be a bother. 

~ Don't fall for the lie that they don't understand you anymore. Yes, marriage changes the priorities and perspectives of people, but that doesn't me they forget what it's like to be single. 

~ It is okay to say you aren't comfortable with a topic of conversation. My sister had a couple of friends who started sharing details of their new lives she was uncomfortable with. It was not only wise for her, but for her friends to tell them the truth.

~ Take time to examine your own heart before accusing. As sinful humans, we can quickly assume the worst motivations of others and justify our actions. Sadly, I've seen jealousy, envy, and assumptions drive wedges between friends, oftentimes without people realizing that was the route cause.

For Engaged Ladies or Newlyweds:

~ Let your single friends know they are a priority by communicating not only that fact, but what they can expect from you in the next few months. Remember it's okay to take time to find your new normal and time to focus on your spouse, don't let others make you feel guilty for that.

~ Set a time for yourself to enjoy you spouse and find a new rhythm. After that time, make it a priority to reach back out to your friends, starting with your single friends.

~ Don't be afraid to remind a single friend who seems upset by the new normal about your changing priorities. 

~ If a single friend doesn't respond right away, give it some time and try again. Sometimes, they need some space to adjust, but also to know that you aren't going to give up right away.

~ Make sure you ask your single friend about their life. Sometimes, as a newlywed, we can talk a lot about our new and exciting lives. You can even tell your friend "If I talk too much about my husband, just let me know."

For both, remember the following:

~ Give grace to each other.

~ Don't assume you know the motivations of others.

~ If there is an offense, discuss it ASAP, don't let it fester and destroy the friendship.

~ Remind yourself of how amazing your friend is.

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  1. Excellent points! Being on the single side of things and watching almost all my close friends get married I've seen the whole spectrum from "still wonderful friends," to "we have nothing in common anymore because you aren't married and I am," and everything in-between. Just remember, any friendship is a two-way street.

  2. Love this advice! As someone who has been on both sides of relationship transitions, all of these ring true. The main thing is to be understanding of each other for sure.