Coming to a Stop

8:00 AM

I have written and rewritten this blog post. Some concepts are so big, it’s hard for even a writer to get it down to a manageable word count.

My goals for this year included me wanting to have a Joseph perspective on the events that came my way. The first six months of this year gave me a lot of opportunities to practice as I had to lay aside writing for a while to work two jobs, and dealt with some normal life issues and hurts. While I struggled a lot, I really worked hard to see the good that came out of each circumstance. I have to say that while not perfect, I can see that I have been making progress.

Then I injured my tendon.

I didn’t handle this as well as I had some of the other things. I was in pain, I couldn’t use my right arm, and I knew I was facing three to twelve weeks of not using it. I had a lot of time to sit and think. It was in one of those quiet moments that it started to happen: I started having to deal with some emotional issues that had been building within me.

My sister Rose and I are very different. I’ve often compared our friendship to that of Captain Kirk and Spock (any Star Trek fans out there?) Kirk (like my sister Rose) is a person of great feelings, an adventurer, who interacts with everyone in the room. Spock (like me) is always bringing up logic, standing in a corner, and pretending his emotions don’t exist. I too often, because I do feel things pretty deep, shove my emotions into a corner so I don’t deal with them.

The downtime forced me to deal with a lot those things that I’ve been struggling with. Most of it can be boiled down to two root things. One, I didn’t feel valuable or needed. Two, I wasn’t really trusting that God was good and would give me the best. I had been trying, I had been saying the right words, but that truth hadn’t been sinking into my heart. I found I was thinking a lot more about the hardships or the past and the dreams that were slowly dying in the present then I was about the fact I could trust God with all of it.

I had to repent of and seek to destroy the lies I had allowed to come into my mind. Many of them were spoken by people who cared about me but didn’t understand what was going on in my life or what God had called me to. They said things like:

“Maybe it’s time you get a real job.”
“It’s not to late to get a good education.”
“Have you tried online dating?”
“You don’t want to be single forever, do you?”
“Maybe you need to rethink your ideas about that.”

None of those were horrible things to say, but I allowed doubts to take hold and then the lies started to become a pattern of thinking.

Maybe I can never make this author thing work. I’m a failure at it. Look at how many books this new author is selling compared to my years of work for so few.

Maybe I did make a mistake and not go to college. What was I thinking?

There is probably something wrong in me. Something that makes me unattractive and the kind of girl no guy wants for me to still be single. 

I’m stuck and I’m not going anywhere.

I’m not doing anything of value with my life.

Because I haven’t been picked as a wife, as a big author, or the first person that friend thinks of, people must not value me.

Lies! All of these thoughts were lies! I had started repeating them to myself and others seemed to affirm them. I was at a low place in the month of June. My injury caused me to stop everything. Instead of shoving my feelings aside because it was too emotional to think about, I started to see those lies for what they were.

My value and worth are exactly what God says they are. I might not be where I thought I would be at twenty-nine. I may not even be where I would like to be. However, I have full confidence that I’m exactly where God wants me to be. I’ve been spending my life on the things that matter for eternity.
My books have touched lives and turned hearts toward Jesus, does it really matter that I’ve never had a bestseller flag next to a book?

I’m not a wife and mom, but I have a full, rich life now. If God hasn’t given me those things, its because that is what is the absolute best thing for me right now. He withholds no good thing from me. Best not to try to reach out and grab what He hasn’t given

I have amazing friends. Friends who have shown in so many little and big ways that I matter to them. I mean, anyone who has stuck with me for several years after hearing my many opinions and my bad days probably deserves a medal. I’m so grateful that I’m part of their lives and they are part of mine.

I cannot express how deep the peace in my heart is. I’m grateful for my tendon injury because I had to confront the lies that were keeping me from trusting and resting in Jesus.

There has been a change in my heart for the better. I pray you too find peace in Jesus.

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  1. Sarah thank You for this moving and honest post. I know this could not have been easy for you to do this post. God loves you and knows what is best for you. God Bless you Sarah.

  2. This peace you've found .... it's invaluable! It's good to remember that those words people say come from a place of misunderstood love. They don't hate you, but their experience hasn't left them where you are, so they can't fully understand. It's good to learn to accept their words without hating yourself and becoming bitter. You've done well!!!

    Also, what makes a real job? What is education? Those are my questions, and I say I am pursuing all the real answers ;)

    1. Thank you, Keturah.

      What makes a job a real one? What makes something a good education? It's so different between people. As Christians, I think we say they are real when they are take us to where God wants us. For me, that does not include a big paycheck or a degree. But the education and jobs I have are the very real things God wants for me.
      You are so right: Others are speaking out of a misunderstood love.

  3. Sarah I like the way you responded to the negativity. You and only you know what is good for you. Sarah you will know what the next steps to your life are and no one can solve it for you. May god be at your side to lead you.
    God Bless