Episode #15: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

I'm so sorry this episode is late. I've been juggling some health challenges and some personal stress that has had me forgetful. I hope you enjoy this episode. 

I stared down at my mug of tea, embarrassed about what I had just shared with Joan. “I wanted to forgive him, but honestly, I had a hard time not being furious with him. I am so bothered by how such a simple thing made me so angry.”

Joan turned her thoughtful brown eyes to me. “Maybe it had very little do with the situation right then. I think it has more to do with what has been happening and the hurt from last year. What do you think?”

I chewed on my lip as I thought that over. “I don’t know. What Asa did didn’t relate to anything that’s gone on.”

Joan nodded. “When Jessie said you couldn’t be friends anymore, did she seem bothered?”

I snorted. “She sounded almost happy to be rid of me. Okay, that’s a little harsh, but I think letting go of our friendship was something she wanted. It was a relief to her.”

“Not for you?”

I shook my head. Even now, it hurt to think of all the things I would never share with Jessie again. “No, I knew it would take work and be hard, but I wanted our friendship to last.”

“What about your parents?”

I cocked my head. “What about them?”

“You told me they’re having trouble, and they explained to all of you that they were in counseling. Did they seem sorry about the strain it put on you?”

I rubbed my forehead. “I don’t think so, but why should they be? I mean, yes, we are having a rough time, but it’s their marriage that is struggling.”

Joan leaned forward. “Pam, it’s common when the people causing the most hurt in our lives aren’t showing genuine sorrow over the pain they cause that we expect others to make up for it. I think that’s what you wanted for Asa, for him to make up for the remorse you didn’t see in others. It’s at least something to consider.”

 

I stared at my mercies notebook, and then I opened it. I could hardly believe I had been keeping this notebook for over a quarter of a year. Honestly, I hadn’t expected to keep any of the good intentions I had made at the first of the year. I had only hoped for a little benefit.

I saw in the pages of the notebook a few instances of things Joan had said and done which had helped me. But this latest advice was hard. I set aside the journal and the troublesome thoughts and made my way into the backyard with a bag of stuff I had purchased that afternoon. Time for me to work on the next item on my joy list.

I pulled an old pot from the shed and poured the bag of potting mix into it. I grabbed the seed packet and poured all of the seeds into my palm. I had never done much gardening, but I liked to think that I could make something grow. I put the lavender seeds into the soil and put some on top. I watered it and smiled. Planting seeds was to hope for the future. At least, I had heard that somewhere.

As it was, I just wanted to enjoy fresh lavender. Jessie had hated the smell and taste of lavender. It had been one of their few differences.

I paused and sighed. Perhaps Joan was right. Maybe I needed to think more about forgiving the hurts of the past and make sure they weren’t messing up my current relationships.

I reentered the house and my bedroom. Scanning my shelves, I found a book I had been given years ago. Choosing Forgiveness. Perhaps reading about it would help. But before I dived in, I pulled out my mercies journal.

Lavender seeds

Spring days

Hard but good words from my mentor

All of these are mercies from God I don’t want to forget.

With a smile, I sat down to read.