Episode 5: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis
4:00 AMI had donated to the fundraiser for Jessie’s Dad. Since I could do it anonymously, with neither my family nor Jessie knowing I had, I did it. Because I still cared even if she didn’t want me in her life.
I entered My Weekend Is Booked to a Tea through the back
door. I would be manning the store alone today. Lacie and Jared were taking
their kids out on an adventure and telling them that Lacie was expecting again.
This would be her second baby, but her fourth child in the house. Molly and
Anna would be excited. Little Hosanna probably wouldn’t understand, but still
be happy.
I turned on the lights and started the hot water. I liked opening the store and getting it off to a good start. Then my phone dinged, and I looked down at it. It was a social media post by a teacher I often found encouraging.
Behind on your Bible reading plan already? Three strategies
to help you not give up.
I slapped my forehead. I hadn’t even thought about a reading
plan. What was wrong with me? Here it was almost the end of January and I had
read my Bible probably three times a week at the most. No, probably less than
that.
I dropped to the floor and the tears spilled over.
“God! I can’t do this! I’m exhausted trying to find joy, to
try new things, to try to heal. And I’m failing at it all.”
I had failed as a friend. I was failing my God who had saved
me and redeemed me. What else would I mess up in my life? My family? My job?
“And I am so, so tired of the tears,” I whispered. Why
wasn’t I feeling the joy yet?
I lifted my eyes and stood. The display of small wooden
signs needed straightening. I adjusted the signs and saw a customer
had shoved one sign behind another.
Count your blessings.
I let out a long breath. I didn’t feel like it but hadn’t
one of the things on my list been a gratitude jar? It would be like God’s
mercies I was writing down in the notebook, but it would be a little more visible.
I set the sign down in the correct place and took a step
back. I didn’t think I could be grateful right now, not when I was failing at
everything.
I plastered on a smile and hoped Crystal would be in a hurry
to be back on the road. I didn’t feel in the mood to hang out with anyone. I wanted
to go home, throw that stupid list of things to do and mercy notebook in the trash, and then indulge in some stupid show that would be mind-numbing and then sleep for
about ten hours, preferably without any dreams.
Yes, I was in a bad mood and I didn’t know how to hide it. My
smile wouldn’t stay in place if I wasn’t thinking about it. Maybe it was a good
thing Crystal was meeting me at my job. Maybe I could invent a work excuse. Perhaps
I could suddenly remember an urgent something that needed to be done in the
back room. However, that would be lying. I didn’t need to fail more as a Christian.
“Pam!”
I turned and plastered on the smile again. “Hi, Crystal.” I
knew my enthusiasm didn’t match hers, but I couldn’t. Not today. I was barely
holding it together.
“It’s so good to see you. I was remembering that readers
retreat you, Jessie, and I went on and realized it’s been two years since we
did that and that’s the last time we were together. Can you believe it?”
You know how in the films when everything freezes and the
main character is suddenly transported back to a memory and then the present
fades back in? Well, mentioning the reader retreat was like that for me. It had
been an amazing week and we had fun. And it was that week Jessie had said I had
ruined our friendship.
“Have you heard from Jessie in the last couple of days?”
Crystal asked. “She hasn’t replied to my last text.”
I shook my head slowly. I felt like I was treading on
dangerous ground. I didn’t know how to talk about Jessie without being raw. So,
I just didn’t talk to anyone but God about her, well, and my mother at times.
“Well, that worries me. I know she was worried her dad might
have to have surgery. When was the last time you heard from her?”
Wow, now here was a question there was no easy answer to. I
let my shoulders drop. I was too tired and discouraged to fight this.
“October seventeenth.” My words were monotone even to me. I
suddenly felt so numb and tired. Why was it only two in the afternoon? Why
couldn’t it be time to close, go home, and sleep?
Crystal cocked her head. “October? Pam, what’s going on? You
two used to be so close and I used to be a very happy third wheel to your duo.
What happened?”
I sank onto the stool by the register. “I…Jessie…” I took a
deep breath. “I said and did some things during the weekend of that retreat which
hurt Jessie deeply. I didn’t know it at the time but… I wounded our friendship
beyond repair.”
Crystal shook her head slowly. “That doesn’t make sense. The
three of us were together the whole time. I don’t remember anything you did…”
I pressed my lips together, trying to figure out what I
should and shouldn’t say. “Remember the book exchange and the signed copy of
the Nutcracker retelling I stole from her?”
“I remember, didn’t she laugh and you offered to give it back
to her when we got back to our room?”
I swallowed. “Well, that hurt her feelings, and also remember
who we…I went on and on about that fantasy book?”
“Oh yes, that one we all hated.”
“She loves it.”
“She did? Why didn’t she say anything?”
A question I had asked myself so many times and asked her
quite a few times to her directly.
I stared down at my hands. “Well, I hurt her by what I said.
Along with a few other incidents that were between her and me. We tried to work
it out but in October… I just hadn’t been able to do enough to repair the
relationship.”
“You hadn’t done enough? Pam, it isn’t about what you do.
You can’t earn forgiveness. It’s given and received.”
I struggled to find words that were true and also kind
toward my friend. I decided to use the words Jessie had told me in October. “But
sometimes, you do so much damage, forgiveness is given but restoration is
impossible.”
Crystal’s arm came around me. “Oh, Pam. I’m so sorry.”
I lost it again. The tears spilled down my face. “I tried so
hard to fix it, Crystal. I just…I had damaged it too much. I’m such a mess and
I don’t have a bible reading plan and I just want hope and joy again,” I
blabbered like an idiot. “I don’t want to come between you and Jessie. It
really was… I did some stupid things that hurt her without realizing it.”
Crystal squeezed me tighter. “Pam, you are not a mess – you’re
hurting. I’m not going to stop being your friend, okay?”
I finally hugged her back and my tears subsided. “I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to fall apart on you.”
She shook her head as she pulled away. “Sounds like you have
a lot piled inside. Come on, let’s get some tea and talk.”
I swallowed. “I…I don’t want to gossip about Jessie. I
probably already shared too much.”
Crystal shook her head. “It was bound to come out at some
point she wasn’t talking to you. I see you blame yourself. How about we talk
about other things entirely? Like maybe a reading plan?”
I let out a sigh. “I realized today I haven’t been reading my bible much and I don’t have a reading plan for the year. I feel like
a failure.”
“Well, it’s never too late to start a plan. I did one last
year which was wonderful. I read through some of the smaller books of the bible
and really dug into them. It was nicer than trying to keep up with a lot of daily
reading.”
The idea sparked hope that I could do that. “It sounds good.”
2 comments
What a beautiful episode, Sarah! It's so easy to live in a state of guilt, that we need someone to "wake" us up to what's really true. Crystal seems like she'd be a sweet, encouraging friend to Pam.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing; I so look forward to them! God bless,
Valentine
I'm so glad you liked it!
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