I Cried in Church Today

7:48 PM

I cried in church today.

That might not sound like a big deal, but it is for me. You see, I almost never cry in public. The last time I cried in church was in my teens, and even then, I went running out to our family van.

It hasn't been the easiest week for me. I've been frustrated, a lot of emotional lows, and broke down when Mom told me, in very loving way, I needed to stop denying how hard and discouraging it was for me not to be able to write. I broke down crying in her arms. I finally let myself deal with the things I had been shoving down, trying to be brave and see God's best.

I feel useless.

I feel angry.

I feel weak.

I'm so tired.

The ugliest truth? While I shoved it away anytime it popped in my mind, I couldn't escape the fact that I felt like God was being kind of mean. Why would He take away my ability to write - which I feel is my purpose - without giving me something else? I mean have I done something wrong? Is there some great sin in my life that the things nearest to my heart are sliding through my fingers? Why does that person have published books, a husband and kids, and I'm stripped of my ability to write and am still single?

I know, pretty ugly thinking, right? Which is why I had tried to focus on what good might come out of it. But I finally broke down and had to deal with those thoughts head-on. I had to admit I wasn't handling all this time well. I cried on my Mom's shoulder on Thursday and did the same thing on Friday to a friend. Saturday, I was tired of feeling and sorting things out and kept busy in my room most of the day.

I got up Sunday with a minor headache. Part of me almost hoped that it would get worse so I could stay home. However, the medicine kicked in and I sat down in church.

I groaned inside as Pastor Jon opened to 1 Samual 14 and started talking about Jonathan's bold move to take on the Philistines. I was too weak, to empty to hear how I needed to be bold and face my enemy. Instead, the pastor went in a totally different direction, he started painting a picture of the place the Israelite army found themselves. Let me give you a brief summary.

  • They were literally between two cliffs, with the enemy uphill (Johnathan had to climb on his hands and knees to come op to the enemy).
  • They were outnumbered - 600 of them, 6,000 of the enemy
  • Some of their fellow Israelites had joined the enemy
  • Many of the Israelites had fled to hide in the hills
  • Saul obviously had no clue what was going on (he had no idea his son was missing)
  • The priest with them was from a family God had cut off
All of us want to be Jonathan in the story, but the pastor pointed out that most of us would be in the camp, waiting on our leader, or hiding in our caves, or even with the enemy (I mean, who wants to be part of the losing side).

There was literally nothing the Israelites could do to win on their own.
  • They were weak
  • Unable to win
  • Between a rock and a hard place
  • Without a lot of hope of things changing.
Then God stepped in with His unlimited strength. He let the Israelites take part, but He was the one with the power to scatter the enemy, not them. 

Then, Pastor Jon said that there were some here today that were injured and broken, unable to do things they used to and it was the hardest place to be.

That's when I teared up.

When I went up to thank him for the sermon, because it had been a hard week, my voice cracked. When he asked me what had happened, I broke down crying. I cried as I told him, and as he prayed for both healing and for God to be my strength. 

I'm still not sure why God allowed this to happen. I still am struggling with accepting and finding what I'm supposed to do with my time. I'm struggling to remember that I shouldn't write a whole blog post in one sitting. (I need to go put ice on my arm). But I do know that:

  • I have been broken, and God will piece me together
  • I'm so very, very weak, but God has unlimited strength
  • God has not, and will not abandon me
  • I'm blessed with family, friends, and pastors that will remind of the truth.
  • I really do need to stop typing and get that ice pack

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  1. Thank you so much for sharing your heart, Sarah. God is using you even if you are not actively writing books. (He used you with this blog post!) Your whole life is a testimony to others. Love you!

  2. Sarah... this post spoke to my heart. You're not alone. The message in this post was something I needed to hear, today, so thank you. <333

  3. I am sorry you have been having a hard time.I will be praying for you. <3

  4. Oh friend, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time! Praying for you!

    You are not useless; you are a valued, highly treasured child of God.

    You are allowed to feel angry. Emotions are valid. :)

    You are not weak. In the Spirit, you are strong!

    I'm so glad you got the ice pack and tended to that arm. Praying for complete healing!

  5. Thank you for sharing this Sarah. I have felt and said exactly what you have written here, and it was a relief to know I'm not alone in those feelings. I'm so encouraged by your testimony, and am praying for you! <3

  6. So sorry for your rough time. I too never cry in public ... And the one or two times it's happened have been humbling. Sometimes I think the questions we ask ourselves as we go through these trying times are harder than the actual trials. Because knowing why would maybe make it easier to bear. But God knows best. Hugs to you!

    MB> keturahskorner.blogspot.com
    PB> thegirlwhodoesntexist.com