I Cried in Church Today

I cried in church today.

That might not sound like a big deal, but it is for me. You see, I almost never cry in public. The last time I cried in church was in my teens, and even then, I went running out to our family van.

It hasn't been the easiest week for me. I've been frustrated, a lot of emotional lows, and broke down when Mom told me, in very loving way, I needed to stop denying how hard and discouraging it was for me not to be able to write. I broke down crying in her arms. I finally let myself deal with the things I had been shoving down, trying to be brave and see God's best.

I feel useless.

I feel angry.

I feel weak.

I'm so tired.

The ugliest truth? While I shoved it away anytime it popped in my mind, I couldn't escape the fact that I felt like God was being kind of mean. Why would He take away my ability to write - which I feel is my purpose - without giving me something else? I mean have I done something wrong? Is there some great sin in my life that the things nearest to my heart are sliding through my fingers? Why does that person have published books, a husband and kids, and I'm stripped of my ability to write and am still single?

I know, pretty ugly thinking, right? Which is why I had tried to focus on what good might come out of it. But I finally broke down and had to deal with those thoughts head-on. I had to admit I wasn't handling all this time well. I cried on my Mom's shoulder on Thursday and did the same thing on Friday to a friend. Saturday, I was tired of feeling and sorting things out and kept busy in my room most of the day.

I got up Sunday with a minor headache. Part of me almost hoped that it would get worse so I could stay home. However, the medicine kicked in and I sat down in church.

I groaned inside as Pastor Jon opened to 1 Samual 14 and started talking about Jonathan's bold move to take on the Philistines. I was too weak, to empty to hear how I needed to be bold and face my enemy. Instead, the pastor went in a totally different direction, he started painting a picture of the place the Israelite army found themselves. Let me give you a brief summary.

• They were literally between two cliffs, with the enemy uphill (Johnathan had to climb on his hands and knees to come op to the enemy).
• They were outnumbered - 600 of them, 6,000 of the enemy
• Some of their fellow Israelites had joined the enemy
• Many of the Israelites had fled to hide in the hills
• Saul obviously had no clue what was going on (he had no idea his son was missing)
• The priest with them was from a family God had cut off

I'm still not sure why God allowed this to happen. I still am struggling with accepting and finding what I'm supposed to do with my time. I'm struggling to remember that I shouldn't write a whole blog post in one sitting. (I need to go put ice on my arm). But I do know that:

• I have been broken, and God will piece me together
• I'm so very, very weak, but God has unlimited strength
• God has not, and will not abandon me
• I'm blessed with family, friends, and pastors that will remind of the truth.
• I really do need to stop typing and get that ice pack