Epiphany at Three in the Morning

1:00 AM

It's 3:00am, and I'm wide awake. Oh, don't worry. I've been sound asleep. I've slept very well despite the fact that I'm not in my own home. I woke up because my dreams were odd. You know the kind. They are not nightmares, they are the kind that are brought on by to much of something. Too much food, too much built up frustration, or (as in my case) too much TV. I watched three episodes of a show before bed, on top of the three the day before. That might not sound like excessive to you, but I knew it was for me. I didn't even enjoy the show yet I felt like I needed to watch some while I could.

So why am I up at 3:00am writing this? Because I woke up, checked to make sure I hadn't woken because something was needed and then started praying. As I was praying, I think I was nudged by Jesus to think about why I would waste my time like that. It didn't use to be like me. I mean, a few years ago during a time of depression it was but this is different. I asked God to give me the wisdom to see why I would feel compelled to keep watching when I didn't even feel like it. The answer was pretty easy.

I was hiding.

Odd, as I have thought I've been doing pretty well at facing things head on of late. Perhaps I have, but I was still hiding. Friendships have been complicated, my life is very different at this point than I thought it would be, and my body still can't keep up with everyone else. Yes, I was hiding. Hiding from sending texts to that friend because sometimes I second guess if they are welcome or not. Hiding the fact my heart is breaking that two kids I've watched grow up are headed out of my life. Hiding my frustration that I can't seem to get through to a sibling. Hiding from being overwhelmed by the amount I need to do.

Movies and games are great places to hide. I don't have to think, I don't have to feel (not really). I can just turn off my brain and watch the story unfold. It isn't like the books I read where I'm confronted by the message, see myself in the characters, and sometimes even moved to tears because I know the feeling.

Here, at 3:00am, I will ask God's forgiveness for the time I've wasted. I will ask Him to help me to stop hiding. I will change my habits and find ways to rest my brain, to give it the break it needs without hiding.

What has God been teaching you?

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