Episode #18: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

I looked over the list I had written on January 1^st and couldn’t believe that April was almost over. How could it be May already? I looked over the list and tried to decide what I should do for the week.

“You look deep in thought.”

I smiled up at Joan. “I didn’t notice you come in.”

She smiled back and slid into the booth. “You seemed very absorbed.”

“I was going over my list, trying to decide which of these to do this week.” I waved the list.

Joan nodded. “Have you narrowed it down?”

I glanced at the items on the list. “I was thinking about getting a new phone case, taking a hike, or starting that gratitude jar.”

Joan nodded. “And what are you doing this week to feed your soul?”

I took a sip of my iced tea. “Well, I’m continuing my bible reading plan. I’m all caught up for the year. Oh, and I’m listening to Christian music more. I find worshiping on my commute helps.”

Joan nodded.

I chewed on my lip nervously as the waitress came to take our order. Somehow. I knew the answer didn’t satisfy her.

I decided I would I didn’t want to wait for her to gently lead me to whatever she was thinking. “Do you think I should be doing more? Am I missing something?”

She smiled at me and shook her head.  “It isn’t that you need to do more or be more, Pam. I just want to make sure you aren’t just checking off boxes but truly healing from the pain you’ve experienced.”

I wanted to roll my eyes, but all I allowed myself was to readjust in my seat. “Checkboxes help me. I mean, some days I get more out of my bible reading than others, but I am glad to be in it every day. I think this list and the mercies notebook really are helping me.”

“Oh, of that I have no doubt,” Joan still smiled at me. “I can see the joy and excitement you have when you enjoy something off the list or even when you can laugh at your failures. However, you also have to make sure that you’re doing the heart work of forgiving and moving to a deeper healing and hope.”

I let out a long breath. “I’ve read a book on forgiveness, and that helps. But I can’t lie. I miss Jessie. I’m frustrated at how my parents don’t seem to be making any progress forward. Don’t they want to save their marriage?”

Just saying those things aloud made me sad. I stared at my list.

Joan reached out across the table. “I think what you’ve been doing is wonderful. I think it has reaped wonderful benefits in your life. But I want you to spend some time thinking about what you have suffered and are suffering. Think of how to nourish your soul as well. I love the Spurgeon quote: I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the rock of ages. The things you’re suffering and have suffered aren’t just things to be pushed through. They are things to be embraced as a means of grace in your life.”

I blinked. I thought of going home to my parents, coldly ignoring each other and yet telling us things would get better with a little more counseling. I didn’t think I could embrace or be happy about what they were going through.

The waitress brought our food.

Joan winked at me. “Just think about it.

Joan’s words bothered me for the next couple of days. It didn’t help that I kept stumbling across verses about counting suffering as joy and all that. I sat in my room, decorating a jar I had picked up for less than a dollar at the thrift store with leaf stickers.

I snagged my phone.

Hey Crystal! I was challenged this week to embrace suffering and I’m not sure how to do that or if that’s even possible.

I shared the Spurgeon quote with her and then went back to my decorating. How could I thank God for the pain? That didn’t seem like something I could honestly do. My phone dinged.

Anything that draws you closer to God is a blessing. I heard this quote and it challenges me often. I think the real question is: am I letting the rough things in my life bring me into closer fellowship with Jesus or am I letting them cause me to get discouraged and just wanting things to be different?

I stared down at the words.

Oh, and FYI, I fall short of this so often. It’s something I’m working towards, not something I’ve reached.

I chuckled and returned to decorating my jar. I thought about the things I would put into this jar if I kept up with the practice. I could easily see myself dropping gratitude for restored relationship with Jessie or my parents’ marriage being healed, but I couldn’t imagine dropping one into the jar that said I’m thankful Jessie crushed my heart or Thankful for my parents’ marriage having issues.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I had memorized the verses in James when I was young, and now, they came back to me. I sat back and looked around my room. I wanted to count it all joy, but I didn’t think I could be grateful for that…yet.

But I looked again toward the gratitude jar. Someday, I would be able to drop those hurts into their as things that brought me closer to Jesus. Maybe, someday, I would be able to put hard things into the jar as they were happening, but I wasn’t there yet. But I wanted to get there.

I took a deep breath and pulled out my mercies notebook

God is merciful toward me as I grow into the person He wants me to be because I’m nowhere close…yet