Episode #9: The Weekly Mercies of Pam Ellis

 

My day off.

I took a deep breath. It felt good. I loved getting off random weekdays. I was able to accomplish more with my time off. And I had been waiting for today to dust off an old hobby of mine: sewing.

I had a few yards of pretty pink fabric with little roses on it and a pattern for a swishy skirt. I pictured myself wearing it to church with my lace blouse.

Well, it would never get done if I didn’t get to work. I turned on the audiobook I had selected for today’s work: Little Women read by Barbara Caruso. Meg, Ivy, and I had loved listening to this very version when we were young. We would put it on when we were sewing or mending (which wasn’t often) and imagine we looked just like the March sisters.

I chuckled as thought of when Ben or Asa would tease us about our girl book and we told them since we only had three sisters, one or both of them could fill the role of Amy for us. They usually ran away and left our precious book alone for fear of us actually following through on the threat.

“What’s so funny?”

I looked up to see Ben in the doorway of my room. He must have worked an early shift at the office to be home this early.

He looked toward my phone, from which I was playing the audiobook, and rolled his eyes. “Oh man, I thought I would never have to listen to that book again.”

I rolled my eyes. “You don’t have to. You’re in my room.” When he stayed in the doorway, I reached over and paused the audiobook. “What’s up?”

He shrugged, but entered my room and dropped onto my chair. “Do you know if we’ll be taking a trip as a family this fall?”

I paused in my cutting out of the pattern. “I assume so. We always do.”

He nodded and rubbed his hands against his jeans. “Yeah, and Dad is usually already talking about where we will be going by this time.”

I swallowed. I hadn’t thought about it, but he was right. After the New Year was underway, Dad usually came home from work with a couple of ideas of where we would explore this year. “It’s only February.”

His eyes remained on the floor. “And they didn’t do anything for Valentine’s Day.”

I felt the fear rising within me. Our parents had never missed doing something for Valentine’s Day they at least exchanged cards and usually had a nice dinner at home in their room while their children watched a movie and made a sport out of who could insult the day most.

Would we become one of those homeschool families? The kind people whispered about and used to make fun of homeschooling, faith, and traditional views? I looked toward my bookshelves, but my favorite tomes couldn’t give me any comfort.

“Are they going to make it Pam?”

I jerked my head toward him. “How am I supposed to know? Do I look like God to you?” I was shouting and on my feet. I hadn't even realized my fear had shifted to anger. “Good grief, just because I’m the oldest doesn’t mean that I can hold our family together. What do you expect me to do? Make Mom and Dad stay married? I can’t even make my best friend stay. I can’t even….”

The hurt and horror on my brother's face finally penetrated my eyes and heart. Like someone stabbing a balloon with a knife, the anger drained out of me and I was left with shame and guilt.

I sank to the floor and stared at the carpet I needed to clean. “I’m sorry, Ben.”

He said nothing.

I tried not to cry. The last thing Ben needed was to deal with a weepy sister on top of the anger I had subjected him to. “Please forgive me. I know we’re all worried. I just… I don’t know what to say. I never thought our parents would be like this. I don’t think they would ever think of getting divorced, but I just don’t know.”

He shifted. I saw his bare feet wiggling in the carpet. I finally lifted my eyes to meet my sweet, gentle brother’s eyes. He looked like I had slapped him and called him vile names. Guilt washed over me. Why couldn’t I do anything right? I had failed my best friend, and now I was failing my brother.

He slid off the chair onto his knees next to me on the floor. “I’m sorry. I guess I hoped Mom and Dad had told you something they hadn’t told the rest of us that would make sense of what's going on.”

I shifted and shook my head.  “Ben, they've told me exactly what they’ve told you. I… I don’t think they would share anything else with me. Clearly, I’m unable to handle life right now.”

Ben shrugged. “Last year wasn’t easy for you.”

I brushed a wayward tear from my face and determined it would be the only one. “Yes, but this isn’t just about me.”

Again Ben shifted and his gaze looked to the floor. My adult brother hadn’t looked so much like a little boy in ages.

“Maybe, we could do better at being there for each other. As siblings I mean. I think we’ve all drifted apart because of… everything.” He gave a shrug.

I nodded. “I like the idea. What did you have in mind?”

“I don’t know, but I’ll come up with something.” He stood and left my room. "Oh I came back to get some papers I left here. I'll be back around five."

I reached for my mercies notebook and put Ben down. He not only was a mercy, he had shown me mercy.