Better than I

11:47 PM

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I wasn’t planning on writing a blog post but as 2018 is drawing to a close, I had some words on my heart I wanted to share.
2018 has been a year of healing. I spent the first day of the year crying because I felt so broken. I wondered if any amount of time would put together the pieces of my heart that had been pounded to a pulp by 2017. I cried because I didn’t want to have to face another year that might hold just as much hurt.
I sit here tonight, looking back at a year that was nothing like what I dreamed, with many of my prayers still unanswered, but with a heart that has healed and is stronger and wiser.
I’ve prayed diligently that relationships that had been destroyed in 2017 would be restored, God said no.
I prayed that my sister Rose, who had her heart broken would find new love it 2017, God said no.
I planned that 2018 would be a year full of writing, instead, God provided two other jobs to take up much of my time.
I didn’t know if I would be able to trust others like I did before, my Heavenly Father has given me the strength to do so.
I wanted to hide from the outside world, God laughed and gave me more new people and places than I’ve had in a long time.
I never thought I would recover, in a sense, I haven’t. I hope I never do, because the healing that I’ve experienced has drawn me closer to God, left me in awe of the day to day grace.
In reflecting on the past year I found myself thinking about Joseph. Since I was a sickly teenager, he has been my hero. He faced overwhelming challenges. He was ripped from his home by his own brothers. He built a life out of nothing with the help of God only to have it ripped out from under him by one false accusation.
As I writer, I’ve often imagined what the darkest moment of Joseph’s life was and what it felt like. I have to think it was a couple of weeks after he had been thrown into prison. He wasn’t getting out, he had a lot of time to think, and he knew how hard it was to rebuild a life. This time, he had even less opportunity than he did in as a slave. As he sat in that cell, I imagine that there came a moment when he realized he had a choice. He could give up and just let his new life wrap around him and consume him or he could believe that God was still working all things out for his good.
We see which path he took. Like anyone, there had to be many times when he was discouraged and the choice was again placed before him. We can see by the results that he chose to trust that God was working things out for his ultimate good.
Perhaps, that’s a lesson that I’m really grasping this year. I don’t understand a lot of things. I don’t understand why there aren’t any wedding rings for any of my siblings. I don’t know why prayers for restoration for broken relationships has been answered with a no. I don’t understand why God has made some aspects of my life so easy when others have it so hard. I don’t really need to.
Perhaps what I’m learning is something I grasped in my early teens and somehow lost: Sometimes, there aren’t answers. We aren’t always told why, how, or when. Sometimes, we have to trust that God is in control and everything is working out for our good. Trusting the One who made all things and knows all things seems logical when you think about it.
I don’t know what 2019 holds, but I don’t need to. I know the One who holds 2019.

This song is from the movie Joseph King of Dreams. It’s been very meaningful to me.

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  1. I had the same anticipation. 2017 was very heartbreaking for me, too. And 2018 was a depressing day because the first day of 2017 I had thought I was in love with someone who later broke my heart. And looking back from 2018 was not fun. But this year has actually been one of my best years, not because I found love again (I didn't), but because I learned to live despite it, because I found God is enough. I've never known the satisfaction and confidence I know now. And that heartbreak, though terrible, was worth it to be where I'm at now. Healing is a great place to be, Sarah. I'm glad you're finding it, too! And I hope Rose is, too. Because her breakup sounded really painful.

  2. Wishing you and yours a blessed,happy and continued success with your writing. God Bless.