It's 3:00am, and I'm wide awake. Oh, don't worry. I've been sound asleep. I've slept very well despite the fact that I'm not in my own home. I woke up because my dreams were odd. You know the kind. They are not nightmares, they are the kind that are brought on by to much of something. Too much food, too much built up frustration, or (as in my case) too much TV. I watched three episodes of a show before bed, on top of the three the day before. That might not sound like excessive to you, but I knew it was for me. I didn't even enjoy the show yet I felt like I needed to watch some while I could.

So why am I up at 3:00am writing this? Because I woke up, checked to make sure I hadn't woken because something was needed and then started praying. As I was praying, I think I was nudged by Jesus to think about why I would waste my time like that. It didn't use to be like me. I mean, a few years ago during a time of depression it was but this is different. I asked God to give me the wisdom to see why I would feel compelled to keep watching when I didn't even feel like it. The answer was pretty easy.

I was hiding.

Odd, as I have thought I've been doing pretty well at facing things head on of late. Perhaps I have, but I was still hiding. Friendships have been complicated, my life is very different at this point than I thought it would be, and my body still can't keep up with everyone else. Yes, I was hiding. Hiding from sending texts to that friend because sometimes I second guess if they are welcome or not. Hiding the fact my heart is breaking that two kids I've watched grow up are headed out of my life. Hiding my frustration that I can't seem to get through to a sibling. Hiding from being overwhelmed by the amount I need to do.

Movies and games are great places to hide. I don't have to think, I don't have to feel (not really). I can just turn off my brain and watch the story unfold. It isn't like the books I read where I'm confronted by the message, see myself in the characters, and sometimes even moved to tears because I know the feeling.

Here, at 3:00am, I will ask God's forgiveness for the time I've wasted. I will ask Him to help me to stop hiding. I will change my habits and find ways to rest my brain, to give it the break it needs without hiding.

What has God been teaching you?

1998 opened with some pretty big changes for our family. My Dad found out his job was moving from South Austin to Round Rock. Not long after, my childhood home sold. God’s timing was once again perfect.

Sarah saw this as a grand adventure. She didn’t understand that hardship of her seventeen-year-old sister, Nicole leaving behind her friends and basketball team. She didn’t understand her parents dread at looking for a new church, a new home, and all that. She excitedly helped back boxes (which no doubt had to be repacked). Enjoyed it when the two Rath boys (who were about Nicole’s age) came and helped us pack up our van and truck and didn’t mind kids running around them.

All the Holman kids, except for Nicole, couldn’t remember living in the city. We were shocked to discover that we had a very, very tiny yard. Imagine our surprise when some neighbors just walked into ours. We were easily scared and quickly decided that indoors was good.

Mom and Dad both slept in a lot of mornings. They were very tired and let us watch more TV. What we didn’t know was that Mom was having horrible pains that the doctors couldn’t explain. We now believe that they were caused by gallstones. Dad had come down with a bad case of bronchitis during the move.

Nicole, even though the move had been hard for her, took us to VBS and to the near-by pool sometimes. She also helped me learn how to operate the TV so that I could turn on Donut Man movies and such in the morning.

Mom and Dad gave Rose and I a huge party for our birthday’s that year. We had a tea party that people remembered for years later. I still remember loving it. It was a dress-up tea and I was a princess and Rose was a ballerina.

We went to a small church that was pretty awesome, though it is the first time I remember getting into a big trouble in a kids group. Rose was obviously autistic. She didn’t get some things. However, I was quick to protect her. I do know that I jumped in sometimes when kids were picking on her and I ended up getting in trouble. Some of the teachers told my parents I was a troublemaker. I also remember that my parents were proud of me. While they always told me to be respectful of the adults and tried to teach me kinder ways to deal with things, they also didn’t want to discourage me from defending Rose.

I was shocked that adults were calling me out as the troublemaker and not the mean kids who were picking on Rose. I was surprised to find that most people were not like my parents. My parents valued a peaceful home, but never at the expense of any of us bulling another. If there was an issue, they would take the time to get to the bottom of the issue, not just punish the loudest kid. As I was tall for my age and possessed a good set of lungs, people assumed I was the one who had instigated the disagreements with the other kids.

More changes were on the horizon for our family in the second half of 1998

What a week. There were so many times throughout that I thought about sitting down and writing blog posts, but time slipped away, people needed me, and so I didn’t get to a lot of things, but it has been a good week.

By contrast, the next week looks too short for the amount of work that is in it. Editing deadlines, a weekend writers retreat, and the normal to-do list seems pretty overwhelming. However, as my Mom reminded me this morning, God has given me enough hours in this day to accomplish everything He wanted me to. I need to focus on the things that God is calling me to do, not the things that feel like the most important.

On Saturday of last week, our family had a wonderful fellowship at our house. I didn’t take any pictures, but I was blessed to hang out with some people from our church, members of my siblings Frisbee group, and friends that had traveled two hours to be with us.

Sunday-Tuesday, Mom and I took a trip to New Braunfels, Texas. It was some much needed down time for both of us. We both came away feeling rested and peaceful. It was a time of sweet fellowship.

Work consumed a lot of my time last week. I not only had the privilege of continuing my job as a home-health aide, but I was also able to help out with the books at the thrift store that I worked at earlier this year. Again, I didn’t get pictures of either of these things, but I was blessed to do them.

The big news of the week? Well, I now have covers for the next two Kate’s Case Files books (see a cover reveal coming on May first), and I was given an opportunity to get Kindle Unlimited for only $1.99 for three months. I’m so excited about reading so many books that have been on my to-read list for a long time. I’ve already read two short stories by K.M. Weiland and Monster by Mirriam Neal (more about that on Wednesday).

This Sunday was my day of rest. I was reminded of the importance of taking a day of rest every week, stopping all work, and giving our minds and hearts a break. I was reminded because I almost felt like I should work. However, when I nearly broke down crying simply because all the effect of a weeks’ worth of emotion slammed into me, I was reminded why we take that day of rest.  We need to stop, to take time to be still so that we can hear God, our hearts rest, and we are better prepared to face the week ahead.

How has your week been?