I glanced up at the recipe again. Yes, it really did call for that much butter. I plunked the butter into the pan and then chopped the raw chicken into pieces.

“Something smells…different.”

I smiled at Ivy. “Well, I decided this week I would make up food from another country. I’m making up food from India. I’m going to make naan bread, rice, and buttered chicken.”

Ivy wrinkled her nose when she smelled the spice mix. “Are you sure this will taste good?”

I shook my head. “Nope. I’ve never had Indian food and I’ve never tried to make it. We will find out if it’s any good. Would you like to try this?” I held out my cup.

She eyed it suspiciously and didn’t take it. “What is it?”

“It’s a drink I found. It’s ice, yogurt, mango, and a little bit of Cardamon. It’s pretty good. It’s called Mango Lassi.”

She shook her head. “No thank you.”

I turned back to the recipe and continued to work. I knew Ivy didn’t like new things. “Don’t worry, I got a pizza in the freezer if you don’t like this.”

Ivy hugged me as I added in the spices. “You didn’t have to do that. I could have eaten leftovers.”

“I know, but I figured that if I was going to experiment if no one liked it, there should be an alternative.”

“What smells so good?” Ben said, entering the kitchen.

I smiled and pointed. “Indian food. I hope.”

“Everyone loved it!” I said as I sipped the vanilla iced tea.

Joan smiled back. “It sounds like a lovely time.”

I nodded. “It was the best time we’ve had since…” I swallowed. I didn’t want to say the word, but I forced myself to take a deep breath and say it anyway: “Since Dad moved out for a time.”

Joan nodded. “And how are you doing with that?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Mom seems to be doing better, so I guess the distance has been a good thing, but it still feels sad. I want to support my parents in what they feel like they need, but it’s hard not to see what it’s costing us. And by us, I really mean me. I hate the idea of ending up as part of a statistic.”

Joan looked down at her tea. “So, your biggest fear is of being part of static? Of looking bad?”

I thought for a moment. Was that what I was afraid of? Slowly I shook my head. “I’m afraid of losing my family.”

Joan nodded.

I cocked my head. “Is there something that I should be afraid of more?”

Joan reached out a hand and placed it on my arm. “The loss of a stable home is one of the hardest challenges a woman can face, no matter her age. I’m not telling you what to feel or not feel. I do want to encourage you with this: how can you encourage yourself and those around you to bring the gospel into this situation?”

I swallowed. I didn’t want to discount what Joan was saying but it was just words. I had heard the phrase a lot, but it felt so meaningless. Did that make me a bad Christian?

Joan wrapped both her hands around her cup. “Let me put it another way. What questions can you ask yourself, and you family members, to take their attention off of what is wrong, and turn their attention to what God might want to use this situation to accomplish?”

I stared off into the bookshop. That was better, but I still didn’t know if I knew a good answer. I took a deep breath and turned back to Joan. “I’m not sure. I’m discouraged. I wonder if God wants good things for my family as much as I want them. I feel guilty for saying that but that’s what I feel like some days.”

“But you know that’s not the truth, right?”

I nodded but then I bit my lip. Did I really? Did I believe in my heart of hearts that God wanted my family restored? I took a deep breath. Yes, I did know God wanted to redeem this for His glory. I also know it might not happen that way.

I cleared my throat. “I guess sometimes it’s just as scary to hope as it is to face a loss. I’ve faced a lot of disappointment this year.” I swallowed back a lump as I thought of the day I had fasted and prayed. Could I trust God with my heart, even if it broke again? Again, in my hear,t I told God yes, that I surrendered my future to Him.

Joan smiled at me. “And I would encourage you to keep reminding yourself, and your family, to combat the lies the enemy tries to plant in our minds. God is capable of redeeming this. He loves everyone involved in this more than you can imagine. He came to bring life to those dead in sin. And God’s life-giving power is far more powerful than the death sin can bring.”

I nodded. I took a deep breath. “I need be reminded.”

Joan laughed. “We all need to be reminded. We are forgetful. That’s why we need people around us who will remind us of the truth.”

As I ate the leftovers of the Indian food, I pulled out some sticky notes. I put a few reminders I needed to combat the lies in my head and put them on the wall. I nodded.

Weekly Mercies:

Joan

Indian food

God’s mercy toward me when I’m forgetful. 

Today would be a fun day at the store. We were having a book fair of sorts we had seven authors from the area who were here to do book signings and we had projects for the kids. I Adjusted a table and then went into the back. I pulled out the ice chest that had been carefully sanitized after the last use and pulled into the tea-making area. While iced teas were not something we did a lot, I assumed we would do quite a bit today. As our icemaker would probably not be able to keep up, I emptied the ice already made into the cooler to make more room for new ice.

“I see you started early.”

I smiled at Lacie and Jared as they entered from the back. “As instructed. Although, I just emptied the ice into the cooler and I probably should have done that first.

Jared waved his hand. “I’ll swing over to the soda fountain a couple doors down and buy some ice off of them later if we need it.”

Lacie sat down, rubbing at her lower back. “Okay, the authors should start arriving at the opening time to set up their tables. Jared will help them set up and make sure they move their cars over the library parking lot.”

Jared gave a bow. “And of course, offer to drive them back here as their shofar.”

Lacie nodded. “I’ll manage the checkout station. Rob from church is coming for extra security. You remember him, right Pam?”

I nodded. The man was built like a football player and had helped out with a couple of events. He had some security job with a weird schedule. He wore plain clothes and had saved us from a shoplifter a few times on busy days.

Lacie nodded. “Pam will man the tea counter. Oh! And there is this artist who I found online. She does mainly watercolors, but she has recently started on chalk.”

I glanced at Jared and lifted a brown. He gave a small shake of his head. Did that mean he didn’t know how this related to this event or that I shouldn’t ask?”

Lacie smiled up at me. “Oh, I promise her work is amazing.”

I decided to risk it. “Are we selling her work here?”

Lacie looked confused and then laughed. “Oh, sorry. My pregnancy brain. I messaged her because I saw on her social media account that she was thinking about selling stickers and I wanted to see if she would let us carry them. Well, she is in town today to visit that cute new bridal shop in town and we talked. She is going to do our chalkboard sign for the day and we will probably carry some of the work.”

I smiled. “That does sound good.”

“Well,” Jared slapped his legs. “I guess we had better get everything finished. What’s left to do?”

I was grateful to see Jared entering with another bag of ice. I was struggling to keep up with the orders, I didn’t need to fall further behind for lack of ingredients.

I handed the mom the four cups of our berry delight, a favorite among the kids. It was a sweeter tea and we had added a touch of sweetener to these as we blended them with ice.

A couple stepped up to the counter. The young man had his hands in his pockets and was bouncing on his toes. The young woman smiled. “I still haven’t decided what to have. What’s your favorite?”

I smiled and hoped this wouldn’t take too long. Two more people had joined the queue. “The Lavender Vanilla tea with a little half-and-half”

“Iced or hot?”

“I usually do it hot, but it’s good either way. Wait, aren’t you Pace, the artist?”

She tucked hair behind her ear. “Yes, I guess so. I’ll have it hot”

I nodded and started making the tea. “Where are you from?”

Pace smiled. “I grew up near the coast. My father was a shipbuilder, but I’m currently living out in the Hill Country. Do you know Lost Maples?”

I nodded. “My family took a trip out there a few years ago to see the fall colors.”

“My fiancé’s family owes a campout that way.”

Something clicked in my head. “Would that be the one Lacie does the women’s retreats at?”

Pace glanced at the man beside her. “Umm, Jeremiah? Did you hear that?”

The young man’s head snapped to me and then his fiancé. Deep red filled his cheeks. “I’m sorry, Pace. I wasn’t listening like I should have.”

She looped her arm through his. “It’s okay I know with all the time sitting today and now hanging out in a bookshop has been hard for you. He’s a doer.”

I smiled. How interesting that an artist and an active young man would end up together.

“What was the question?” He asked. He had stopped bouncing on his toes and his full attention was on Pace.”

“Has Lacie, the owner of this shop, been out to the camp?”

Jeremiah nodded “Oh yeah. They host a widow's retreat every year. That’s actually how Ellie and Samuel met.”

“Really?” Pace smiled. “Tell me about it.” She took her tea and tapped her card.

I smiled as I watched them walk away Jeremiah animated as he told a story.

I dropped into bed exhausted, but I grabbed my mercies notebook. I smiled at the five new books I had bought and had signed by some of the authors who had been in the shop as well as the stickers by Pace Lacie had given me. I smiled at the Jane Austen quotes on them.

Mercies today from God:

The beauty in art

The beauty in the art of words

A successful day at the shop

My new books

This month, Scott and I took our first State Park adventure in many weeks. My pregnancy really slowed me down this spring, as well as some early, very hot weather. We were glad to finally get back into adventuring together. We visited a state park we hadn't officially explored and had so much fun.

Longhorn Cavern State Park is a very small state park. It has just over a mile of hiking trails, some pretty cool CCC-built buildings, and (of course) the cave.

The cave tour is a little pricy. We splurged on it (we went on a weekday at it was $25.25 each) and really enjoyed it. This one has a few water-made formations like soda straws, flow formations, stalactites, and stalagmites. However, the parts that impressed me most were the rocks. The primarily limestone walls gave so much to look at. 

"So, why has Sarah been so quiet of late?"

A very good question my friends and one for which there is a very good, beautiful gift-from-God answer. But, because I am a storyteller, I of course am not going to just blurt it out, but tell you the story.

 I walked around the fabric aisle and waited for inspiration to strike. I had decided that what I needed was a project that would take me more than a week to finish. One that would keep me busy for a while. Sewing on a quilt seemed like a good idea.

I sipped my iced tea and was grateful for the gift card I had received as an early birthday gift. It would help me with this expensive undertaking.

I wandered away from the fabric and over the magazines to look for inspiration. And there it was. A quilt on the cover of one of them. It had bold prints bordered with black fabric. While the quilt they showed was rather hideous, I knew exactly what I would do. I flipped open the magazine and they had details of how much fabric you needed for what size bed and they had some alternate versions on the quilt. I smiled as I spotted one that was forest animal themed with a green broader.

I returned to the fabric. I browsed and finally decided I would make a girly quilt. I picked up a rose-patterned quilt and some pinks and greens that went with it. I decided to border these with white. I selected a white with a pattern in a slightly different shade of white. It would be beautiful.

“I love what you picked out!” Ivy enthused as she watched me cut the fabric into squares as she worked on cutting out a craft for the kids she nannied

I smiled. “Thank you!”

Meg looked up from her mending. “It’s going to be a lot of work.”

I didn’t take my eyes off cutting another square of fabric. “I know, that’s why I chose a simple pattern. I’ve made a quilt before. This one just squares and strips.”

“Well, I think it’s a great idea.” Ivy fingered the pink fabric with lace printed on it. “Maybe we could make a quilt for my bed too.”

I smiled at her. “I think that would be fun. You want a quilt to, Meg?”

She snorted. “I’ll wait to see if you finish this one and the one for Ivy before I put in an order.”

I exchanged a smile with Ivy. “I think Meg doubts my ability to complete this project.”

Meg’s smile appeared. “I don’t doubt your ability, just the time.”

I sighed as I thought of the hours of work and how the emotional toll of our parents living apart had sapped so much of my energy. But I wanted to do this. I wanted to push past the depressed feeling and to do something that was beautiful and good. I wanted to truly surrender the future to God.

“Can we go pick out fabrics for mine?” Ivy asked. “I think I want one with purple fabrics.”

I loved her enthusiasm and I need to do more to be happy things with my siblings that was happy and fun.

The boys entered the living room. “We were going to watch a movie. Is that okay?” Asa looked at the quilting project, Ivy’s paper pieces, and Megs pile of clothes.

“I wouldn’t mind watching a movie while I work,” Meg said.

Ivy sighed. “I’m supposed to do something every day with the kids between now and the 4^th of July to talk about the importance of American Independence. How much is a three-year-old going to get? But at least these Pilgrims will be fun for them to glue together.”

I nodded. “I’ll watch as long as it’s a happy movie.”

Asa tried to keep a straight face but failed. “Like that funny movie where the dog dies?”

We all laughed.

Sunday afternoon was quiet. Asa and Ben were out with friends, Ivy was taking a nap, and Meg and Mom sat reading. I laid out the pieces of my quilt, proud of all I had accomplished. Over the course of the week, I had nearly finished the top. I just had one more seam to finish. Of course, finishing the top didn’t mean that I was done with the quilt, but it was something.

Not only that, there was something about putting together that felt as if I was stitching part of myself back together. But it wasn’t me doing the stitching. I had never quite understood why fasting was such a big deal, but now I understand how it caused desperation in your soul. I had come to the end of me and realized that God was all I needed.

I ran my hand over a slight imperfection in my quilt. While I wanted to make everything perfect, I knew it wouldn’t be. Not in my quilt and not in my life. Yet, God was making something wonderful with my life and with the lives of others. I had to surrender to Him. A simple answer, perhaps, but one I needed to remember.

I finished the last seam and folded the quilt top up and placed it in the corner. I would work on finishing it next week. I grabbed my current book, a re-reading of Little Men and then I paused.

In the corner where I had shoved it, lay my canvas bag with my mercies notebook and joy list I hadn’t even looked at.

I took a deep breath and withdrew the notebook. I paged through many of the items I had written down. I pulled out a pen and turned to a blank page.

God’s mercy: He is merciful when I want to give up.

God’s mercy: He pursues me when I am running away

God’s mercy: He created fasting to drive us towards Him

God’s mercy: I am finding peace in surrender and hope in letting go

Weekly Mercy: God is stitching my back together. 

May was ending and June was beginning. I was so grateful for all the work at the store. With summer coming, we had a lot going on. Our summer reading events for kids were gearing up. We had two homeschool groups that would be using our shop as a place for their kid’s summer book clubs. We were having twice a week children’s events as well as special displays for teens and adult summer reading.

The work kept me busy and distracted for which I was thankful. When I went home at night, both my sisters wanted to tell me about how hard it was to come home without Dad. Ben wanted to tell me about the latest text from Dad.

I still felt so numb. I finished arranging the teen shelf and knew it was time I clocked out for the day. It had been a short shift today, but they couldn’t afford overtime every week. I waved at Lacie and headed out the door. I knew I should go straight home, but I had no commitments. I made my way to the park.

As I pulled up, I looked out at the creek that went through the middle of the park and I took a deep breath. I should eat my lunch and enjoy a stroll before I returned home.

Take a day to fast and pray.

I pushed away the thought from my list. I wasn’t sure I would do anything from the list or write in my mercies notebook again. I just didn’t think I could do it.

What could it hurt?

I looked toward my lunch bag and pushed open my door. I grabbed my water bottle and purse and headed down toward the path that led along the creek. I probably wouldn’t actually take the day to fast and pray, but I might delay my lunch a little bit and pray. Maybe God would give me some peace about what had been going on.

The sun was setting. I knew I had walked a long way and had been sitting in this spot among the trees for a long time. I had texted my family to tell them I had decided to take some time to pray by myself.

Hunger gnawed at me.

“God,” I whispered. “I don’t understand. Are you going to take everything from me? If my parents’ marriage falls apart, I don’t think I will ever be whole again, not if it happens right now.”

I had said different variations of this several times. It was odd. I hadn’t fasted from food very often in my life on purpose. I always thought it was for other people who were more spiritual to do. Besides, I didn’t do well if I didn’t eat. Yet, as I looked toward the colors in the sky, I realized that was exactly the point. Every time I felt hunger, felt myself in need of food, I turned to God.

I stood and started walking back the way I had come. I needed to try to make it back to the car before it got to dark. I felt weak. I was so hungry. I was desperate.

“Don’t You care that all this is shattering me?” I said in desperation. “All of this is crushing the life out of me!”

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

I had memorized those verses so long ago. And they return to me. Tears sprang to my eyes. “How long will I be hard-pressed, Father? If you take my family…”

I stopped and looked toward the sunset. Would I trust God even if it meant He took what I longed for? Yes, it would shatter my heart, but could I trust Him with my pieces? I wanted to give a quick yes to that question, but I couldn’t I kept walking.

I’m so hungry

What if God doesn’t give me the outcome I want?

Why can’t I just trust Him? Because I know trusting Him means surrendering what I want and leaving it in God’s care.

My thoughts raced. I picked up my pace, wishing I could outrun the thoughts.

I tripped and I caught myself against a tree. I looked upward toward the sky and then dropped my gaze. I came face to face with the ugly truth. I wanted to trust God, but I didn’t think He wanted my good – or my parent's good - as much as I wanted it. I walked and I thought through times in my life when I had trusted things to God. How many times I had ended up with better, more wonderful plans. There were some times I had trusted God with something and realized that he had never given it back.

Can you trust Me now?

I again looked to the sky, the sun just a sliver on the horizon.

My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and I had never felt so much like I was in a battle. Fear, truth, and hope warred in my soul. I took another breath and looked toward the sky. What choice did I have? I couldn’t make my parents have a happy marriage. I couldn’t make Jessie come back. I couldn’t make someone love me. I couldn’t make my sibling happy. I couldn’t even gain hope and joy on my own, not the real, deep kind.

I paused. Looking around me to make sure I was alone, I dropped to my knees.

“Father, I’m acknowledging the truth that You are in control no matter what. But would you please help me?” Teare squeezed out of my closed eyes. “And if You choose to take anything like my parents…” I took a breath and slowly formed the words. “I will trust You. If You shatter me, I am shattered. And You are the only one who could even begin to put together the pieces.”

I stood. I was exhausted, but somehow, I felt a battle had been won. I took a deep breath and moved rapidly down the path. This day would be going in my mercy notebook.

A much-needed surrendering of my future to God